该死 Ugh... God damn it.
Inside the room Dr. Doom, prepare for the boom, bam!
I slam
Scream like Tarzan
I be tossin' and flossin' My style is awesome
I'm causing more family feuds Than Richard Dawson
And the survey said, you're dead
Fatal Flying Guillotine Chops off your fucking head
Mister, who is that? Ayo, the Wu is back
Making... go Bo! Bo! Like I'm Super Cat
Oh, no, here come The Wu-Tang shogun
Killer to my eardrum Put the needle to the groove
I gets rude and I'm forced To fuck it up, my style...
More Afro than Rollo Coming to a fork in the road
Which way to go, just follow...
啊 可恶
太棒了 This is nuts!
我有啤酒和无糖气泡水 This is so crazy! I have a beer and sugar-free bubble water
我有一瓶烈苹果酒和一包叉骨脆 I've got a hard cider and a bag of Crossbone Crunch.
开派对庆祝了 It's a party.
我太为你激动了 凯特 I'm... I'm just so, so thrilled for you, Kate.
敬迪比亚斯基彗星 对吧 To Comet Dibiasky, right?
-干杯 -好 Cheers! right
从你发现它的位置来看 It's gotta be, look... It's gotta be an Oort cloud comet
一定是来自奥尔特云的彗星 just based on where you saw it.
它上次距离太阳这么近 Probably the last time it was this close to the Sun
可能远在人类文明之前 was long before human civilization.
看它的弧线 天啊 太神奇了 Look at the arc on that thing. God, it's amazing.
明迪教授 我们该如何计算 这颗彗星的速度和轨道呢 How would we find out the comet's velocity in orbit, Professor Mindy?
问得好 That is a good question.
肯定会很有趣的 我研究生毕业后 就没算过轨道动力学的题了 This will be fun. I haven't done orbital dynamics since grad school.
问题是 Question is, what...
卡尔萨根会怎么做 What would Carl Sagan do?
他会回归第一原理 He would take it back to first principles.
站心向量为ρ The topocentric vector is rho.
凯特 初始坐标是多少 Kate, what are the initial coordinates?
21 Twenty-one.
24 Twenty-four.
13 Thirteen.
是不是很有趣 各位 This is fun, huh, guys?
-哇 你让我兴奋起来了 -67 - Sixty-seven. - Wow. Now you got me pumped.
-明迪博士 -好的 - Dr. Mindy. - All right...
你要计算多少个才能 How many terms do you have to calibrate...
根据马斯登85 这是个很好的近似值 Approximation of coordinates in Marsden, '85.
现在有了彗星的轨道 我们来看看星历表 Now that we have the comet's orbit, we will check the ephemeris
这样可以算出彗星和地球之间的距离 and that will give us the distance between the comet and planet Earth.
星历表的数值为什么越来越小 Why does the ephemeris keep getting lower and lower?
明迪教授 Professor Mindy?
各位 要不我们 You know what, guys? Let's...
我们今晚就到这吧 Let's call it a night, huh?
可是相对位置呢 But what about the relative position?
我没算清楚 今晚不行 各位 抱歉 I can't figure this one out. Not tonight, guys. Sorry.
-走吧 我累了 -我也是 - Let's hit it, man. I'm beat. - Me too.
-凯特 太棒了 -祝贺你 - Kate, this was amazing. - Congratulations.
嘿 凯特 Hey, Kate.
你留下 You stay.
“我希望像我祖父一样 在睡梦中安详地死去
而不是惊声尖叫着迈向死亡 就像他的乘客们一样”-杰克汉迪
考尔德博士 Yeah, uh, Dr. Calder,
密歇根州立大学的教授 和他的研究生们 a Michigan State professor and his grad students...
我是考尔德博士 我正在会上告诉我的团队 This is Dr. Calder. You pulled me out of a meeting
我们失去了80亿资金 而你把我叫出来接电话 where I had to tell my team we lost eight billion in funding.
我很抱歉 考尔德博士 I am so sorry, Dr. Calder,
但我们刚发现的这颗彗星 but we are seeing some awfully strange orbital numbers
轨道数据非常奇怪 on this comet we just found.
您已经收到邮件了吧 They should be in your inbox, right?
-是这个吗 -是这个 - Is this it? - Yeah.
是的 This is it.
我让奥格尔索普博士接电话 请稍等 Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let me get Dr. Oglethorpe on the line. Please hold.
她让我稍等 Uh... Uh, I'm on hold.
她要打给奥格尔索普博士 谁啊 She's calling a Dr. Oglethorpe. Who is that?
天啊 我把免提打开吧 Jesus Christ. I'm gonna put them on speaker.
“奥格尔索普博士 "Dr. Oglethorpe,
行星防御协调办公室主任” head of the Planetary Defense Coordination Office."
-真有这种地方 -我不知道 - Is that a real place? - I have no idea.
行星防御协调办公室 是真实存在的机构
这是他们的标志
我是奥格尔索普博士 This is Dr. Oglethorpe.
我是肯尼迪航天中心的乔斯林考尔德 Yes, this is Jocelyn Calder from Kennedy Space Center.
嘿 乔斯林 Hey, Jocelyn.
是这样 我们通过斯巴鲁望远镜 观测到了一个近地天体 Listen, we got a sighting of an NEO from Subaru telescope.
好的 为什么不直接报告给 小行星研究会 Okay. Uh... Why you just didn't report it to the Minor Planet Center?
先生 一位教授 和几位密歇根州立大学的学生 It's a professor and a bunch of Michigan State students
发现了一个很大的天体 who identified something big.
真的 有多大 Really? How large?
有多大来着 How big we talking?
我们观测到其直径大约五到十公里 We clocked it in around five to ten kilometers wide.
直径大约五到十公里 About five to ten kilometers wide.
那挺大的 Uh... That's a big boy.
这位教授是第一个观测到的人吗 And, uh, was this professor the one who first made the observations?
是的 我是明迪博士 Hi, yes. Uh, Dr. Mindy.
不 是博士候选人 凯特迪比亚斯基发现的 And... And no, PhD candidate Kate Dibiasky found it.
我做了轨道计算 I did the orbital calculations.
我研究死亡星系中的微量气体 I, uh... I study trace gasses in dead galaxies.
有一阵子没发论文了 你可能没听说过我 I haven't published in a while so you probably haven't heard of me.
总之这不重要 抱歉 你的问题是什么来着 But anyway, that doesn't matter. Sorry. What was your question?
它的最新轨道预估如何 What are the most updated estimates on its trajectory?
凯特 Kate?
我算了一整天 一直是同一个结果 I've been running it all day. I keep getting the same result.
六个月零14天后直接撞击地球 A direct hit of Earth in six months and 14 days.
我的结果也一样 Me too.
马修 你的计算结果如何 Matthew, what are your calculations?
美国国家航空航天局
小行星侦察器程序计算的结果 是六个月零14天 Um, Scout program is saying six months, 14 days.
我们还有六个月零14天 We got six months and 14 days.
直径大约五到十公里 And it's roughly five to ten kilometers wide.
也就是 Which... Which, uh...
那是 Isn't that...
灭绝级事件吧 an extinction-level event?
我们别这么激动 Well, let's not be dramatic here.
好 Okay, uh...
第一步是出差到华盛顿特区来 First move is to get the school field trip out here to DC.
我们都冷静一下 Let's all calm down.
我需要第一个发现彗星的人 和负责人一起来 I need the person who first had eyes on the comet and the person in charge.
什么 What?
马上把数据分享给剑桥 加州理工和国际天文学联合会 ...share this data immediately with Cambridge, Caltech and IAU.
等一下 这是机密信息 Wait a minute. This is classified information.
怎么回事 What's happening?
我需要交由总统决定 I serve at the discretion of the president.
这是真的吗 Is this really happening?
我们让那名学生和死亡星系教授 马上去西卡姆空军基地 ...and the dead galaxy professor to Hickam Air Force base.
华盛顿特区 对吧 嘿 凯特 DC, right? Hey! Hey, Kate.
这不是真的吧 This isn't happening, right?
凯特 这不是真的 这是 Kate, this isn't real, right? This is, uh...
这是某个平行现实 对不对 This is just some sort of alternate reality, right?
说点什么啊 Say something.
我得去磕点药 I gotta go get high.
我奉命尽快送你们俩去华盛顿特区 去那儿的飞机只有这架 Word is that I need you both in DC fast. Only plane I got going there is that one.
总之 我是明迪博士 这位是 Anyway, I am Dr. Mindy. This is...
-你好 -快走 - Hi! Oh. - Go, go, go!
-我们坐哪儿 凯特 -我不知道 - Where do we sit, Kate? - I have no idea.
有没有什么常用座位 Is there any customary seating for...
搞什么 这是真的吗 是该死的玩笑吗 What the fuck? Is this real? Is this a goddamn joke?
该死 Holy shit.
这不可能是真的 不 This can't be happening. No.
-布伦登 你是说布伦登 -是的 布伦登 - Brendon. You mean Brendon? - Yeah, Brendon.
不 他不够低调 这都是政治 泰迪 你懂的 You know, he didn't keep his head down. It's all politics, Teddy. You know that.
-你们一定就是兰德尔和凯特 -是的 你好 You must be Randall and Kate. Yes. Yes, hi.
我是奥格尔索普博士 你们可以叫我泰迪 I'm Dr. Oglethorpe, but you can call me Teddy.
抱歉 你刚说你叫 I'm sorry. Did you say your name...
-我应该叫你“泰迪” -泰迪 - I should call you "Teddy"? Teddy.
-泰迪 -是的 - Teddy. Yeah.
对 我们叫他泰迪 他可一点都不像泰迪熊 Yeah, we call him Teddy because he ain't no teddy bear.
我是西姆斯将军 代表五角大楼 General Themes. I'm the Pentagon's eyes on, uh,
负责跟进事件 无论这究竟是什么事 you know, whatever this turns out to be.
总统是出了名的不守时 你们刚经历了漫长的飞行 所以 The president is famously late, and you've had a long flight, so...
密歇根州立斯巴达人队 - Michigan State Spartans. - Mmm.
-那是总统办公室吗 -是的 总统办公室 - Is that the Oval Office? - Yeah, that's the Oval Office, yeah.
比照片上看起来小很多 It's a lot smaller than in the photographs.
总统应该马上就到了 她已经听了情况简述 The president should be here shortly. She's already been briefed.
对吧 斯科特 Correct, Scott?
没错 That is correct.
我们真的要告诉美国总统 Are we really about to tell the president of the United States
还有六个多月 that we have just over six months
人类以及所有物种就要彻底灭绝了 until humankind, basically every species, is completely extinct?
是的 这就是我们要说的事 对 Yeah. That's exactly what we're about to do. Yeah.
哦 天啊 Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh.
对 我说了执法机关 Yes, I said law enforcement.
但我没有 你跟我说过他没问题的 But I didn't want... I mean, you told me that he was clean.
-总统女士 我是奥格尔索普博士 -请退后 - Hello, Madam President. Dr. Oglethorpe. - Step back, please.
他过去40年的人生都名声清白
总统女士 我是奥格尔索普博士 我相信乔斯林已经告诉您 Madam President, I'm Dr. Oglethorpe. I believe Jocelyn briefed you to...
-嘿 杰森 -干什么 - Hey, Jason. - Yeah? What up, yo?
伙计 搞什么 这是正事 Come on, man. What the hell? This is real world.
我知道 我们需要五分钟 Yeah. I know. We need five minutes.
我们的最高法院 大法官提名人有点问题 谢谢 We have a problem with our Supreme Court nominee. Five minutes. Thank you.
祝你生日快乐 Happy birthday to you
祝你生日快乐 亲爱的帕蒂 Happy birthday, dear Patty...
记个留言就好 这种事时有发生 Just take a message, and then, stuff like this happens,
我不知道是怎么回事 and I don't know what's going on.
我不明白我还要跟你说多少次 I don't understand how many more times I need to tell you...
有很多关于 他们的提名人不合格的信息 Well, there's a bunch of stuff about their nominee not being qualified,
但我没看到文章写我们的事 but I don't see any articles about our thing.
社交媒体上全都在讲 Social media is just going on and on
歌手莱丽比纳和电音切罗分手的事 about that singer Riley Bina and DJ Chello breaking up.
太糟糕了 That's just too bad.
他们看起来是好小孩 They seem like sweet kids.
我不认识他们 Hmm. I don't... I don't know them.
这 Which is...
-挺遗憾的 -是啊 - It's a shame though. - Yeah.
-你认识他们吗 凯特 -认识 - Do you know them, Kate? - Yes.
但我现在不在乎了 - But I don't really give a shit right now. - Oh.
这东西卖可贵了 They charge an arm and a leg for this stuff.
一个十美元 - Ten apiece ought to do it. - Oh.
-嘿 拿瓶水 -谢谢 - Grab a water. - Thank you.
凯特的我也一起付 I've got Kate as well.
-很好 -谢谢 - Perfect. - Thank you.
给你20 - Here's a 20. - Oh.
给 Here
-你有零钱吗 -没有 - You got change? - No.
-我可以问问站岗的海军陆战队士兵 -是 - I mean, I could ask the Marine. - Yeah...
这是抗焦虑的赞安诺 Uh, it's a Xanax.
我只吃四分之一片 不然我会 - I only take a quarter. Otherwise I get... - Ah...
-凯特 -谢谢 - Kate. - Thank you.
吃这么多你可要小心了 You know, you should be careful with that much.
This eagle's place is in the sky
很抱歉 明天两点前我要到达冲绳 I'm very sorry. I have to be in Okinawa by two o'clock tomorrow.
-什么 -什么 你认真的吗 - What? - What? Are you serious?
-这事很重要 -我得去镇压当地原住民 - This is very important. - I have to go quell the natives.
代我向你女儿问好 Tell your daughter I said hello.
他和我们一起进办公室 不是很重要吗 我是说 Isn't it important that he was in the room with us? I mean, what...
我该在哪里付钱 Where do I pay for these?
这是免费的 It's free.
真的 Really?
是啊 这里是白宫 Yes, it's the White House.
零食是免费的 The snacks are free.
什么 What?
那位将军 The general.
他找我们要买零食的钱 但零食是免费的 He charged us for the snacks, but they're free.
天啊 Oh, gosh.
他为什么要这么做 Why on earth would he do that?
嘿 朋友们 看来今晚是聊不成了 Hey, peeps, uh, it's not looking like it's gonna happen tonight,
我感到非常遗憾 and I feel horrible.
我们会送你们去某家酒店 We're gonna put you up in a hotel somewhere.
抱歉 总统知道我们为什么来吗 Excuse me, does the president know why we're here?
你在逗我吧 You gotta be fucking kidding me.
-他们知道我们为何而来吧 -知道 但你也听见他们怎么说了 They must not know why we're here, right? They know. Uh, but you heard 'em.
-他们有没有意识到 -为明天做好准备 - Do they even realize... - Be ready for tomorrow.
我们花了多长时间过来 ...how long it took for us to get...
庄园汽车旅馆
然后他们让我们等了七个多小时 And then they made us wait for over seven hours,
根本都不叫我们进去 难以置信 but they never called us in. I couldn't believe it.
他们当然不会叫你们进去 凯特 你今天看新闻了吗 Of course they didn't call you in. Kate, have you watched any news today?
没有 我一直忙着我们的 项目 No, I've been pretty wrapped up in our... project.
马上打开电视 Turn on your TV right now.
奥尔林总统正深陷 前所未有的风波之中 President Orlean is in the middle of an all-time shit storm.
韦德康隆警长本就是 一位备受争议的提名人 Sheriff Wade Conlon was already a controversial nominee,
他没有法学学位 还曾“先开枪后提问” with no law degree and a record of "shoot first and ask questions later."
尸检新闻
你在看吗 You watching?
随着他曾在大学期间当裸模的经历 With his background as a nude life model...
-被曝光出来 -嗯 我正在看 Yeah, I'm watching it right now.
白宫完全陷入了危机模式 ...the White House is in full crisis mode.
听我说 我找到五名当时的学生 And, get this. I found five former students
他们愿意公开承认 康隆曾在为他们的绘画课做模特时 who are willing to go on record that Conlon got noticeably aroused
明显勃起 when he posed for their drawing class.
我不为我的行为感到羞耻 I have no shame in what I did.
我应该写“明显勃起” Now, should I say "noticeably aroused"?
还是“膨胀” Or "engorged"?
因为我并不希望读起来像骗点击的 Because I don't want this to read like clickbait.
这可是篇正经的文章 You know, this is a real article.
我 凯特 能给我点反应吗 I just... Kate, can I get something from you, please?
抱歉 Sorry.
-我今晚不在状态 -我们能聊一下吗 - Out of sorts tonight. - Can we have this conversation?
我感觉我们总是在回避整个事情 I feel like we're skirting around this.
你对我妈有意见吗 是因为这个吗 Do you have an issue with my mom? Is that what this is all about?
不能跟我说具体是什么事 You can't tell me what's going on?
规定就是这样 别担心 It's just the protocol. Please, don't worry.
马歇尔的法学院入学考试 考了172分 我们正在庆祝 Oh, Marshall got a 172 on his LSATs and we're celebrating.
真棒 马歇尔 我为你骄傲 Way to go, Marshall. I'm proud of you, buddy.
谢谢爸爸 我想你 Whoo! Thank you, Dad. Miss you.
嘿 埃文感觉如何 新药有用吗 Hey, how's Evan feeling? Are the new meds working out?
已经稳定在四了 - I'm a solid four. - Ooh!
他已经稳定在四了 He's a solid four.
比上个月要好 对吧 Well, that's better than last month, right?
明天开会记得要勇于发言 好吗 You know, just remember to speak up in the meeting tomorrow. Okay?
-我会的 -你总是太沉默 - Yeah. I will. - You get so quiet.
该认领功劳的时候你就有点 When it's time to take credit, you kind of...
她问你是不是同性恋 并没有说你就是同性恋 She asked you if you were a lesbian. She did not say that you were a lesbian.
-那是个问句 -嘿 听着 我 - It was a question. - Hey, look, I'm...
我可以七个月后 和你妈一起吃个午饭吗 Can I sit down with your mom to have lunch in, like, seven months?
七个 这就过分具体而且非常遥远了 这是 她是我妈啊 Seven... That's weirdly specific and distant. What is... This is my mom.
所以 So... Oh!
我听说有个小行星还是彗星什么的 I heard there's an asteroid or a comet or something
正让你们发愁 that you don't like the looks of.
说说吧 然后告诉我为什么要跟我说 Tell me about it and then tell me why you're telling me about it.
你们有20分钟 You got 20 minutes.
-20分钟 -该你说了 博士 - Twenty minutes? - That's you, Doc.
就是现在 Go. Now. Go.
总统女士 Madam President.
大约36小时前 Approximately 36 hours ago,
这位博士候选人 凯特迪比亚斯基 uh, PhD candidate Kate Dibiasky here discovered
发现了一颗非常大的彗星 a very large comet.
-对 -真为你高兴 - Yeah. - Good for you.
这颗彗星直径大约五到十公里 A comet between five to ten kilometers across,
我们猜测它来自奥尔特云 that we estimate came from the, uh... from the... from the Oort cloud.
哇 Wow.
那是太阳系最边缘的部分 Which is the outermost part of the solar system.
然后 And, um...
然后用高斯轨道测定法 And using Gauss's method of orbital determination
同时考虑0.04角秒的 平均天体测量误差 我们询问了 and the average astrometric uncertainty of 0.04 arcseconds, we then asked...
-那是什么玩意儿 -我觉得好无聊 - Whoa! What the hell is... What? - I'm so bored.
告诉我们到底有什么事就行 Just tell us what it is.
-什么 别说什么 -真的 别说了 - What? Stop what? - Seriously, stop.
明迪教授想说的是 What Dr. Mindy is trying to say is
有一颗彗星正朝地球飞来 there's a comet headed towards Earth,
根据美国国家航空航天局电脑的计算 and according to NASA's computers,
这个天体将落在智利海岸正西方 that object is gonna hit the Pacific Ocean
100公里处的太平洋中 at 62 miles due west off the coast of Chile.
然后呢 会引发潮汐波 Then what happens? Like, a tidal wave?
不 结果远比潮汐波有毁灭性 No. It will be far more catastrophic.
到时将会有数千米高的海啸席卷全球 There'll be mile-high tsunamis fanning out all across the globe.
如果这颗彗星发生撞击 威力将相当于十亿颗广岛原子弹 If this comet makes impact, it will have the power of a billion Hiroshima bombs.
将会发生10级或11级地震 There'll be magnitude 10 or 11 earthquakes...
等等 你的呼吸节奏很奇怪 让我感觉不舒服 You're breathing weird. It's, uh, making me uncomfortable.
抱歉 我只是在努力解释科学研究 I'm sorry, I'm just trying to articulate the science.
我知道 但听起来太压抑了 我努力在听 I know. But it's so stressful. I'm trying to, like, listen...
我觉得你没有理解情况的严重性 I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.
我在尽力阐述 I'm trying to articulate it the best I can...
总统女士 这颗彗星 就是我们所谓的地球杀手 Madam President, this comet is what we call a planet-killer.
没错 That is correct.
这个结论有多肯定 So how certain is this?
撞击概率是100% There's 100% certainty of impact.
拜托 别说100% Please, don't say 100%.
我们可以称之为潜在重要事件吗 Can we just call it a potentially significant event?
-对 -好 - Yeah. - Yes.
但这不是潜在会发生的事 But it isn't potentially going to happen.
它一定会发生的 It is going to happen.
没错 准确地说是99.78% Exactly. 99.78% to be exact.
很好 那就不是100% Oh, great. Okay, so it's not 100%.
科学家从来都不喜欢说100% Well, scientists never like to say 100%.
就当是70%吧 继续往下说 Call it 70% and let's just move on.
但概率根本没有70%那么低 But it's not even close to 70%.
你总不能到处和别人说 You cannot go around saying to people
他们100%会死吧 that there's 100% chance that they're gonna die.
那可太疯狂了 You know? It's just nuts.
我们应该找我们的科学家们看看 无意冒犯 We should get some of our scientists on this, you know.No offense,
但你们这么两个人跟着 but you're just two people that walked in here with...
奥格尔索普博士 Dr. Oglethorpe.
奥夫 奥吉尔维博士 对 Dr. Ov... Ogilvy. Yeah.
我在美国国家航空航天局 负责行星防御事务已经15年了 I've been head of planetary defense at NASA for 15 years.
而明迪博士是 密歇根州立大学天文学终身教授 And Dr. Mindy is a tenured professor of astronomy at Michigan State,
迪比亚斯基小姐是那里的博士候选人 where Miss Dibiasky is a doctoral candidate.
-很好 -不好意思 - Good. - I'm sorry.
你刚才说“密歇根州立” Did you say Michigan State?
没错 他们的天文学系非常出色 Exactly. They have an excellent astronomy department.
-是的 -得了吧 - Yes. - Come on, bro.
开什么玩笑 要看我的大学入学考试成绩吗 You kidding? You wanna see my fucking SAT scores?
好了 我们来说重点吧 Okay, let's bottom line this.
这件事需要我付出什么 What is this gonna cost me?
你们的要求是什么 You know, what's the ask here?
政府有现成的计划 There are government plans in place.
我们可以通过 美国国家航空航天局采取行动 Um, actions we can take through NASA.
可以用装备核武器的无人机 Drones that can be outfitted with nukes
尝试改变彗星的运行方向 to deflect and hopefully change the orbit of this comet.
我们必须马上行动 We must act now.
嘿 好的 Oh, hey. All right, all right, all right.
中期选举还有多久 - When are the midterms?
-三周 -三周 Three weeks. - Three weeks.
如果消息在那之前流出 国会那边我们就输定了 So, if this breaks before then, we lose Congress.
然后我们就一点办法也没有了 Then there's nothing we can do about it.
政治僵局 It'll be gridlocked.
时机 糟透了 The timing is just... It's atrocious.
好吧 目前我觉得我们静观其变 Okay, at this very moment, I say we sit tight and assess.
-静观其变 -找其他人一起来评估一下 Sit tight and assess.Let's get some other people on this.
找些藤校毕业生 Some Ivy Leaguers.
你和我一起审阅一下 航空航天局的计划 好吗 And you and I will review the NASA plans. - Okay?
非常感谢 - I'd greatly appreciate that.
如果我没理解错的话 Am I to understand correctly that,
在今天接收了所有这些信息之后 after all of the information you've received today,
你做出的决定是“静观其变” the decision you're making is to "sit tight and assess"?
-不好意思 她谁啊 -你他妈谁啊 你不是她儿子吗 - I'm sorry, who is she? - Who the fuck are you? Aren't you her son?
我他妈是白宫幕僚长 是龙纹身男孩 I'm the fucking Chief of Staff, Boy with the Dragon Tattoo.
不用你操心 So I'm doing fine.
我们走吧 真是一场闹剧 We gotta get out of here. This place is a freak show.
我觉得迪比亚斯基小姐想说的是 I think what Miss Dibiasky is trying to say
静观其变的想法是非常非常危险的 is that the idea of sitting tight is an extremely, extremely dangerous...
谢谢 今天总算有件好事了 Thank you. One good thing happened today.
好吧 说个趣事 Okay, funny story.
我竞选总统的时候 When I was running for president,
竞选活动的第一个月 我不得不偷偷抽烟 I had to sneak cigarettes for the whole first month of the campaign
因为我抽烟的照片 because, you know, photographs of me smoking
价值多少来着 十万美元一张 went for, what, a hundred grand a pop?
所以我一直藏着 但后来受够了 So, I'm always hiding, but, you know, I just got sick of it.
我就说：“随便吧 我想抽的时候就要抽” And I just said, "You know what, I'm gonna smoke whenever I want to."
你猜怎么着 Guess what happened?
-我的民调支持率上涨了三个点 -他们喜欢她的真实 - I went up three points in the polls. - They loved that she kept it real.
人们喜欢看有魅力的人抽烟 They love watching a smokeshow smoke.
我想不到还有哪位总统 让我希望能在《花花公子》上看到 I can't think of another president that I'd ever wanna see in Playboy.
这种“世界末日要来了”的会议 这些年来我们开了多少次 Do you know how many, uh, "the world is ending" meetings
你们知道吗 that we've had over the years?
经济崩溃、核泄漏 汽车尾气破坏大气层 Economic collapse, loose nukes, car exhaust killing the atmosphere.
-异常的人工智能 -干旱、饥荒、瘟疫 - Rogue AI. - Drought, famine, plague...
一切皆有可能 - Uh... - Everything.
外星人入侵、人口增长 臭氧层空洞 Alien invasion, population growth, hole in the ozone...
杰森 嘿 Jason, hey.
-拜托你看看屋子里的气氛吧 -对不起 妈妈 - Read the room for once in your life. - Sorry, Mom.
问题是 我还有工作要做 Point is, I have a job to do.
您能明白这是末日级别的事件吧 You do understand that this is an apocalyptic event.
一个巨型天体 正朝着我们的地球飞来 速度高达 This is a large celestial body heading towards our planet at speeds...
我明白 明迪博士 Dr. Mindy, I hear you.
我听到你说的话了 I hear you.
-你应该为自己感到骄傲 -谢谢 - You should be proud. - Thank you.
我非常重视它 真心的 I'm taking it very seriously. I'm taking it straight in the heart.
您不知道听到您这么说我有多欣慰 I'm so glad to hear that. You have no idea.
嘿 各位 我们今天聊的事 显然都是超级机密 对吧 Hey, gang, obviously everything we talked about in here, super classified, right?
-对 -很好 - Yeah. - Cool.
多谢你盛装出席 Thanks for dressing up.
我们要就这样把消息泄露给媒体 You're saying we're just gonna leak it to the press?
-这不违法吗 -是的 我们要泄露出去 - Isn't that illegal? - Hell yeah, we're going to leak it.
你可能没意识到 白宫刚刚把我们打发走了 In case you didn't notice, the White House just blew us off.
我男朋友菲利普说他认识一个记者 My boyfriend, Phillip, says he knows a reporter
《纽约先驱报》的 那人会和我们谈 from the New York Herald who will talk to us.
-阿杜尔格雷利奥 -很好 他是个重要人物 - Adul Grelio. - Good. He's a heavy hitter.
我还会悄悄联系更多科学界人士 And I'll reach out to more of the scientific community on the down-low.
-我感觉这不是我应该有的行为 -你只要讲故事就好 - I just feel like this isn't what I do. - You're just telling a story.
讲简单点 Keep it simple.
别讲数学 No math.
可这全是数学啊 But it's all math.
一切都始于连接 It all started with a connection.
一个简单的姿势创造了许多东西 A simple gesture that created so much.
许多选择 So many choices.
有时甚至让人觉得多过了头 Sometimes, it can even feel like too much.
直到现在 Until now.
向各位介绍巴什来福手机 Introducing BASH LiiF.
要有来福
没有生存压力的人生 Life, without the stress of living.
巴什
在我们介绍 巴什公司创始人兼首席执行官之前 Before we introduce the founder and CEO of BASH,
请记住不要直接进行眼神交流 please remember to avoid direct eye contact,
不要突然移动 咳嗽或露出反对的表情 sudden movements, coughing or negative facial expressions.
现在就让我们欢迎彼得伊舍威尔先生 And now, please welcome Sir Peter Isherwell.
彼得伊舍威尔-创始人
我们爱你 彼得 We love you, Peter!
大家好 Hello, everyone.
我这一生做过的所有工作 All of my life's work,
动力都来自于我渴望有一位朋友 really, I see has been driven by an inexpressible need for a friend
完全懂我、能安抚我的朋友 who would understand and soothe me.
多年来的工作 凝结出的成果就是巴什来福 And you know, now all those years of work have come to fruition with BASH LiiF,
我们的新款巴什14.3手机 our new BASH 14.3, uh, phone
完全融入了你的每一种感情和欲望 is fully integrated into your every feeling and desire
而你一句话也不用说 without you needing to say one single word.
如果我觉得 If I feel...
-悲伤 -害怕 - Sad. - Afraid.
或是孤独 Or alone.
巴什14.3手机切换到生活设定后 The BASH 14.3 phone, when set to the life setting,
它马上通过血压查到了我的心情 instantly senses my mood through blood pressure...
还有心跳 Uh, heartbeats and...
你的脉搏显示 你很悲伤 Your vitals show that you are sad.
这会让你振作起来 彼得 This will cheer you up, Peter.
你是我最好的朋友 You are my best friend You are my best friend
你是我的挚友 你让我开心 挚友 You make me happy...
太棒了 Oh, that's wonderful.
那段视频 That video. Um...
而且它真的会预约 It also, seriously, uh, schedules
附近的专业诊治疗程 a therapy session with a nearby professional,
确保忧伤的情绪不会再回来 so we can make sure that these sad feelings never ever ever return.
-我可以说句话吗 伊舍威尔先生 -不可以 - May I say something, Mr. Isherwell? - No.
为了支持巴什来福手机 我要正式宣布 And to support, uh, BASH LiiF, uh, I wanna officially announce...
手机都给我 这不是你们的 Oh, give me the phones. They're not yours.
说再见 - Say bye.
再见 伊舍威尔先生 - Bye, Mr. Isherwell.
再见 彼得 Bye, Peter.
我爱你 彼得 Um, I love you, Peter.
小狗抱公鸡的视频真的能优化 Are you sure the video of the puppy on the rooster is optimizing our
幼年感记忆消费群体的表现吗 prepubescent sense memory consumer sector?
我觉得鸟类很吓人 I find the bird quite threatening.
我们一定会核对这部分数据 We will cross-check the data on that, for sure.
伊舍威尔先生 保罗德班特让我把这个给你 Mr. Isherwell, Paul Debent wanted me to give this to you.
他是从一个墨西哥的 天文学家朋友那里拿到的 He got it from an astronomer friend of his in Mexico.
天啊 Oh, my.
纽约先驱报
这件事我们还有谁的确认 阿杜尔 What other confirmation do we have on this, Adul?
我和华盛顿的奥格尔索普博士聊过 他确认了这件事和相关计算 I've spoken to Dr. Oglethorpe in DC and he confirmed it and all the math.
我还给哥伦比亚大学的 弗兰克斯博士看了 Then I showed it to Dr. Franks at Columbia,
他都惊呆了 and he almost fell out of his chair.
说实话 我一开始还很怀疑 So, look, I have to admit. I was very skeptical at first,
但一切都很可信 but this is all quite credible.
计算很可靠 The calculations are credible.
天啊 Jesus.
总统真的说了要静观 And the president really said to sit tight?
-是的 -“静观其变” - Yes. That's correct. - "Sit tight and assess."
她可能在操心中期选举 She's probably worried about the midterms.
我们得快速行动 We need to move fast.
联邦部门会声称他们违反保密协议 The feds will claim breach of security,
给他们两个找一个公益律师 so make sure these two get a pro bono attorney.
-你们可以用我的律师 -你现在肯定付得起费用 - You can use my attorney. - You can certainly afford it now.
我们要雇用律师 We're gonna hire a lawyer?
-没这个必要 -我觉得有必要 - That wasn't necessary. - It was.
不好意思 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.
没这个必要 That was not called for.
我有个问题 I just have a question here.
我们只是告诉人们 How is it criminal if we just tell people,
告诉公众我们所看到的东西 告诉他们真相 怎么就成犯罪了 like the public, you know, what we saw, and tell them the truth?
他上节目前要确保让他接受媒体训练 Make sure this one gets media training before he hits the shows.
他看起来反应慢了半拍 He seems a step slow.
我需要媒体培训是什么意思 What does that mean, I need media training?
他们希望我们 参加《天天揭底》节目 They want us on a show called The Daily Rip
要在文章出版前一早就赶过去 first thing in the morning before the article comes out.
知道《天天揭底》是什么节目吗 You guys know what The Daily Rip is?
那是最棒的节目 大家都想上 It's like the best show. Everyone wants to be on it.
布里和杰克之间的火花太赞了 Brie and Jack have legendary chemistry.
他们曾经邀请我去过一次 They asked me to go on once.
我兴奋到连续两晚睡不着 I was so excited I couldn't sleep for two nights,
但后来因为时长把我剪掉了 but then they cut me for time.
现在想起来我依然很难过 Still hurts me to think about that.
我知道你说的是哪个节目 我妻子爱看 I know what show you're talking about. My wife loves that show.
你能告诉我到底怎么回事吗 Okay, can you just tell me what this is all about? Okay?
你没读我写的关于 康隆在美术课上硬起来的文章 'Cause you haven't read my article on Conlon getting hard in the art class.
现在阿杜尔格雷利奥 屈尊来处理你的事 Now Adul Grelio has come down from his mountaintop for your thing.
而你一个字都不透露给我 拜托 You won't even give me a lousy pronoun? Come on.
一颗比灭绝恐龙的小行星 还要大的彗星 A comet, bigger than the asteroid that destroyed the dinosaurs,
正朝地球撞过来 is headed directly at Earth.
如果不改变它的运行轨道 整个地球就完了 If it isn't deflected, the entire planet dies.
等等 你刚才说什么 Wait, what did you just say?
是游戏里的情节 It's for a video game.
你认真的吗 Are you being serious?
是的 Yes.
哦 我的天 Oh, my God.
哦 我的天 搞什么啊 Oh, my God! What the fuck, man?
我也爱你 好 是的 I love you too. All right. Yeah.
两位 我们得往前走了 Hey, guys, we gotta keep walking, all right?
走吧 Come on.
-是明迪博士和迪比亚斯基小姐吧 -对 - You must be Dr. Mindy and Miss Dibiasky? - Yes.
你们能来参加节目 杰克和布里非常高兴 Jack and Brie are so excited to have you on the show.
真的吗 他们认识我们 Really? They know who we are?
白宫否认和他们见过面 White House is denying they even met with them.
混蛋永远是混蛋 Well, assholes will always be assholes.
《天天揭底》
你们好 我是塔利亚 Hi, I'm Thalia.
《先驱报》让我来给你们选服装 The Herald sent me to help with your wardrobe.
我不穿这个 Oh, I'm not wearing that.
你的脸部结构其实挺棒的 Yeah, you actually have really great facial structure.
我把胡子往下剃一点 How 'bout if we trim this beard down a little bit and...
我喜欢你的头发 I love your hair.
谢谢 Thank you.
我们要怎么分工 我说一下发现过程 How are we gonna do this? I talk about the discovery and you...
你说一下采取行动的紧迫性 talk about how urgent it is that we take action.
我们要怎么说 我的意思是 How do we say it? I mean...
-我们应该练习一下 写好稿子吗 -要喝点水吗 - Shouldn't we practice it or write it out? - Can I get you some water?
水 好的 水就可以 Yeah, water. Yeah, water would be nice.
你来了 You are here now. You are here now. You are here now.
吃葡萄不吐葡萄皮儿 Eleven benevolent elephants. Eleven benevolent elephants.
我要吃点赞安诺 - Just gonna take some Xanax. - Hmm.
有时候我会吃 I take it sometimes when I...
凯特 这次不行 Kate, not this time. Not this time.
他需要深呼吸 开口说话 明白吗 He just needs to breathe and speak up. You know?
他可以的 我知道他能做到 He's got this. I know he does.
哦 天啊 冷静 Oh, God. Come on.
你来了 You are here now. You are here now. You are here now. You're here now.
哦 天啊 Oh, God!
我都说了 别再喝便宜酒了 You gotta stop drinking the cheap shit.
-就两杯 -是哦 两杯半 - It's only two glasses. - Yeah, two and a half.
-倒计时20秒 -总是迟到 - We're 20 out. - Always running late.
确认一下视线 Let's make sure that our eye lines,
不要朝向杰克和布里 可以吗 that we're not looking at Jack and Brie, please, all right?
提示就位 And cue the package.
两个杯子 再来一次 Two glasses. Here we go again.
-胸部没问题吧 -是的 要直播了 - Ladies okay? - Yes. And we're live.
布里 今天我有消息要告诉你 听好 Brie, I've got something for you today. Listen to this.
奥尔林总统的最高法院提名人 President Orlean's Supreme Court nominee,
康隆警长被认出曾出演90年代早期 Sheriff Conlon,has now been identified as appearing in a softcore porn cable show
-隐晦色情电视节目 -真荒唐 - from the early '90s... - Ridiculous.
名叫《缎面床单之夜》 ...called Satin Sheet Nights.
-此事不断发酵 -哦 我的天 - This story just keeps going and going... - Oh, my gosh.
那是莱丽比纳吗 Is that Riley Bina?
-是的 那是 -真的 - Yes, well, it's a... - Really?
她本人要娇小很多 是不是 She looks a lot smaller in person, doesn't she?
上马吧 牛仔 Ride 'em, cowboy.
很好 - Good. - Hee-haw!
嘿 各位好 我是节目工作人员肖恩 Hey, everyone. I'm Sean from the show.
我们会 杰克和布里 会聊十分钟高院提名人 Uh, we're gonna do... Jack and Brie are gonna do ten on the SCOTUS nominee.
-然后莱丽比纳上场 -我可以聊我的单曲 对吧 - Riley Bina, you'll come on and... - I get to talk about my single, right?
部分盈利会捐给海牛保护区 A portion of the profits goes to the manatee sanctuaries.
是的 但要先聊分手 Yes, but the, uh, breakup first.
然后是明迪教授和迪比亚斯基小姐 And then Dr. Mindy and Miss Dibiasky,
你们上去讲你们发现的行星 you'll come on and talk about that planet you discovered.
彗星 我们发现的是彗星 Uh... Comet. We found a comet.
他们知道我们是来聊什么的 对吧 They know what we're here to talk about, right?
当然 杰克和布里可喜欢聊科学了 Of course. Jack and Brie love doing science segments.
记住 要轻松有趣 Just remember, keep it light, fun.
杰克和布里喜欢愉快的氛围 Jack and Brie love having a good time.
这感觉不太妙 That's not promising.
你们发现了一颗彗星 真棒 You guys discovered a comet? That's so dope.
我背上纹了一颗流星 I have a tattoo of a shooting star on my back.
真好 - Oh. - That's terrific.
我们也听说了你分手的事 我们想说 We heard about your breakup too, so we just wanna say...
我们感到很遗憾 对吗 We're very sorry, right?
真遗憾 你看起来是个 很棒的人 We're real sorry. You seem like a... great person.
管好你自己吧 老东西 Why don't you mind your own business, you old fuck?
好的 Okay.
不骗你 我的朋友们 Not gonna lie, but, um, my friends
还有嗡嗡军团都超棒 and my Vroom Vroom Army have been so amazing.
我非常感激 但说实话 这很艰难 So, I'm really grateful for that. But, yeah, I can't lie. It's been hard.
-你是榜样 非常出色 -是很多人的榜样 - You're an inspiration. It's incredible. - To so many.
你在认真面对这份痛苦 You're really owning that pain.
杰克 我觉得此刻在这里 You know, Jack, I feel like there's some kind of conversation
我们应该进行一些对话 that we need to be having here.
你有什么想对前任电音切罗说的吗 Is there any message that you would like to send to your, uh, ex, DJ Chello?
这个 You know, um...
如果有什么想说的 我们来 If there's something...
-是的 -对着这边的镜头 - Yeah. - Right here in this camera.
跟他说 把镜头当成他 把你的想法都告诉他 Tell him. As if that was him. You tell him exactly what you're thinking.
好 Okay, um...
小切 Chell.
我还爱你 在这么多个不眠之夜后 I still love you, and, um, after many sleepless nights,
三个 three,
我希望你回来 I wanna take you back.
不好意思 I'm sorry. Whoa, uh...
-可以吗 -是 - Is that okay? - Yeah.
-他出轨了 -哦 我的天 你们 - He cheated on you. - Oh, my God. You guys...
是的 Yeah. I do.
消息在嘀嘀平台都炸开了 嗡嗡上也是 - Diddly just exploded. - So did Vroom Vroom.
巴什新闻刚给我发了八条推送 BASH News just sent me eight push notifications.
-关于这事 -是的 看 - About this? - Yeah, look.
我的手机刚刚购买了 电音切罗的最新单曲 My phone just purchased DJ Chello's latest single.
什么 都没征求我的同意 What the... It just did that without asking.
我得知电音切罗 此刻正和我们视频连线 I'm being told that we have DJ Chello live on a Mugg link.
-他有什么要为自己说的 -我爱这里的制作人 - What's he got to say for himself? - I love the producers here.
嘿 宝宝 嘿 Hey, baby doll. Hey.
-嗨 亲爱的 -他流泪了 - Hi. Hi, baby. - He's in tears.
-你的宝贝犯错了 -我知道 - Your kid messed up bad. - I know.
巴洛克女士那晚在俱乐部没穿内裤 Lady Baroque wasn't wearing any panties in the club that night.
-没关系 -我脑子坏了 - It's fine. - I just got all crazy.
没办法思考 我犯了错 I wasn't thinking straight. I made a mistake.
但我爱的一直是你 But, look, it's always been you.
我明白 没关系 Oh! I get it. It's okay.
我也和她睡过 就在去年的全球音乐节 I hooked up with her too, last year at the Music Globes
在我和掘金队的大前锋私奔之前 right before I ran off with that power forward from the Nuggets,
这些都不重要了 and none of that matters.
“分手炮已过时 试试分手恋爱” 怎么样 What about "Forget breakup sex. Try breakup relationship"?
-很好 -拜托 - That's good. - Come on.
“十大著名劈腿复合案例” 各位 "Ten famous second chances for two-timers," guys.
这不现成的么 It's on a plate.
我一直很害怕 但说实话 现在我不怕了 I've been scared, but, honestly, I'm not scared anymore.
好 谢谢 Okay.
我的小宝贝 你愿意嫁给我吗 My little bumblebee, will you marry me?
哦 我的天 当然 - Oh, my God. Of course. - Oh, wow.
-小切 当然 -太好了 - Chell, of course. - Yes!
-好 -太好了 - Yes! - That's sick.
-哦 我的天 -好 Oh my god -Yes!
好了 电音切罗 All right, DJ Chello.
怎么回事 这 What is happening?
又买了一张 Just bought another.
-他们是谁来着 -他们是最有名的 - Who are these people again? - They're like the biggest names...
今天真是值得放烟花庆祝的日子 Well, the fireworks have certainly gone off today.
-是的 -多棒啊 - They have. - What a zinger!
是的 Yes, they have.
我们从求婚转向一些科学实验 From a wedding proposal to a little science experiment.
等会儿我需要做头皮按摩 再来杯马提尼 I'll need a temple rub and a martini later on.
我们今天最后一组嘉宾 有重大的天文发现 Our last guests today have made a pretty big discovery in space.
天文学家兰德尔明迪博士 Astronomer Dr. Randall Mindy
和博士候选人凯特迪比亚斯基小姐 and PhD candidate Miss Kate Dibiasky are here.
欢迎来到我们的节目 Welcome to the show.
在继续谈话前 我可以问个问题吗 我一定要问 Can I ask you one thing before we go any further? I have to know this.
太空中存在生命吗 Is there life out there?
能告诉我们吗 有还是没有 请回答 - Can you tell us? Yes or no, final answer.
我们没有数据 - We don't have the data.
但在广袤的太空中 有什么不可能的呢 But sure, in the vastness of space, why not?
对 外星人是真实存在的 Yes, aliens are real.
我就知道我会喜欢这个人 我说的吧 你欠我50块 I knew I'd like this guy. Didn't I tell? You owe me 50 bucks.
我并不认同飞碟之类物体的存在 I'm not saying there's little green men in flying saucers...
-别配合他 明迪博士 -他就是这么说的 - Please don't encourage him, Dr. Mindy. - That's what he's saying.
这对话没完了 We'll never get out of here.
杰克刚才是开玩笑的 Now, Jack was having some fun here.
-爸爸看起来很棒 -他们怎么 - Dad looks great. - What did...
-挺帅的吧 -他们给他修了胡子 - Doesn't he look good? - They did something with his beard.
关于外星人 但 With the aliens...
他真的 确实帅了 Really... He really does.
-太多了 -兰德尔博士 - So much. - Dr. Randall...
-你会后悔的 -你从来都不喜欢他的 You'll regret it. Now, look,
杰克刚刚是在拿外星人之类的开玩笑 Jack's just having some fun here with the aliens or whatever,
但《纽约先驱报》 刚刚发布了文章 讲述 but there's a New York Herald story that's just come out that talks about...
继续保持 你很棒 Keep it right there. You're doing good.
- 你们二位的发现 -是的 布里 - ...the two of you have made. - That's right, Brie.
凯特在用斯巴鲁光学望远镜 观测超新星时 Kate was, um, observing supernovas...
那是你女朋友 Yo, that's your girl?
-是的 -不赖啊 - Yeah. - Not bad.
一个令人震惊、十分重大的发现 ...an absolutely shocking and once-in-a-lifetime discovery.
我都不知道斯巴鲁还造望远镜 I had no idea that Subaru made telescopes.
一定很激动人心 告诉我们 你发现了什么 迪比亚斯基小姐 This has to be exciting. Tell us what you found, Miss Diabasky.
我当时在监测爆炸恒星 Um, I was monitoring exploding stars
以辅助测算宇宙扩张并 to help measure the expansion of the universe and...
-为了你的博士学位 对吗 -是的 - For your PhD, right? - Yeah.
我看到了不认识的天体 I saw something I didn't recognize.
那是一颗彗星 It was a comet.
很大 A big one.
径直向地球飞来 很有可能会撞上 It's headed directly at Earth, and it really likely will hit.
听起来非常让人激动 This sounds very, very exciting.
爆炸恒星 原来星星会爆炸啊 Exploding stars, like, stars actually explode.
这个天体有多大 Um, how big is this thing?
会撞毁谁家的房子吗 有没有这种可能 Can it destroy someone's house? Is that possible?
这颗官方名 将是迪比亚斯基彗星的天体 Well, Comet Dibiasky, which is what it will officially be named...
-以她命名 -对 她的名字 - After her? - Yeah, after her.
-祝贺 -真荣幸 是啊 祝贺 - Congratulations. - What an honor. Congratulations.
直径大约六到九公里 It's somewhere between six and nine kilometers across.
-所以 -好大 - So... - It's big.
它会摧毁整个地球 It would damage the entire planet.
不只是一幢房子 明白吗 Not just a house, you know?
整个星球 The entire planet.
好吧 它极具破坏性 它会直接撞到 Okay, as it's damaging, will it hit this one house in particular
新泽西海岸的某个房子吗 那是我前妻的家 that's right on the coast of New Jersey? It's my ex-wife's house.
可以做到吗 Can we make that happen?
你和雪莉的关系很好的 别闹了 You and Shelly have a great relationship. Stop.
别闹了 You need to stop.
好 但说句公道话 那房子是我买的 I will, but in all fairness, I actually paid for the house.
非常抱歉 I'm so sorry.
不好意思 是我们没说清楚吗 I'm sorry, are we not being clear?
我们想告诉你们 We're trying to tell you
整个星球就要毁灭了 that the entire planet is about to be destroyed.
-好的 -这个 就是 - Okay, um... - Well, it's, you know...
我们就是这样的风格 坏消息也要轻松有趣 It's something we do around here. We just keep the bad news light.
是的 有助观众消化信息 Right. It helps the medicine go down.
说到消化 明天我们会请到 Speaking of medicine, tomorrow we've got...
也许整个星球的毁灭 Well, maybe the destruction of the entire planet
不需要搞笑 isn't supposed to be fun.
也许它就应该让人恐惧不安 Maybe it's supposed to be terrifying. And unsettling.
不 拜托不要这样 No, please don't do that.
-你们应该彻夜难眠 -拜托 - And you should stay up all night... - Please.
每晚哭泣 ...every night crying,
我们所有人都死定了 when we're all 100% for sure gonna fucking die!
嘿 凯特 Hey, Kate.
抱歉 I'm sorry.
嘿 伙计 Hey, man.
我弟弟有躁郁症 如果你需要和别人倾诉 My brother has bipolar disorder. So if you ever need anyone to talk...
好吧 - Uh... - Okay.
她一直这样吗 Is she always like that?
-我 -是我说错话了吗 - I... - Something I said?
是吧 Right?
也许我应该 把多出的那颗赞安诺给她吃的 Maybe I should have given her that extra Xanax that I had.
如果你的赞安诺不够的话 我们都有足够的储备给她吃 Listen, if you don't have enough, we all have enough around here for her.
一勺赞安诺有助消化 对吧 A spoonful of Xanax makes the medicine go down, right?
没错 很好 That's right. That's good.
-我们一定得让你再来 -我就知道我会喜欢他 - We're gonna have to get you back. - I knew I'd like this guy.
-他是托儿吗 -我就知道 - Is he a plant? - I knew it.
好了 Okay.
帅气的天文学家 Well, the handsome astronomer
随时可以再来 但那位大叫女士就算了 can come back anytime, but the yelling lady, not so much.
她就算了 明天和我们一起迎接 Not so much. Join us tomorrow when our guest will be the man
很多人说会在两年内 挑战奥尔林总统的那位嘉宾 that many say will challenge President Orlean in two years.
也就是参议员杰夫勒纳 Senator Jeff Lerner will be here.
另一位嘉宾 是误判杀人犯米歇尔威姆斯 And wrongly-convicted murderer, Michelle Weems,
她将讲述在《众星斗舞》 饱受争议夺得第三名的经历 talks to us about her controversial third-place finish on Celebrity Dance Off.
-我以为她会夺冠的 -是啊 我依然认为她有罪 - I thought she would've won. - Yes. I still think she's guilty.
-这里是《天天揭底》 各位 -祝各位愉快 - That's The Daily Rip, guys. - Have a great day.
-结束 -节目结束了 - And we're out! - The show's over?
-我是说 没有 -是的 - I mean, didn't... - Yeah.
-我们想说的内容讲清楚了吗 -不 结束了 - Did what we wanted to say come across? - No, it's over.
你表现很好 但我觉得那个 鲻鱼头女孩需要接受一些媒体培训 You were great, but I think mullet girl, she probably needs some media training.
-真的吗 -是 她糟透了 - Really? - Yeah, no, terrible, buddy.
谢谢 比利 Oh... Thanks. Thanks, Billy.
我们一般会在五点员工会议后 去安德林喝一杯 Uh, we usually get drinks at Aundrine's after our five o'clock staff meeting.
挺有意思的 你也来吧 You know, it's fun. You should come.
我看看吧 谢谢你邀请我 谢谢 Oh, I'll have to see. Thank you for the invitation. Thank you.
凯特 Kate? Kate?
-凯特 -嘿 你表现特别好 - Hey. You were awesome.
谢谢 - Oh, thanks.
能给你拍张照片 放进我的资料集吗 Can I get a photo of you for my portfolio?
-当然 -谢谢 - Yeah, sure. - Thanks. Thank you.
可以看到 这个高峰出现在 莱丽比纳要和电音切罗复合的时候 You can see this spike here is when Riley Bina asked to take DJ Chello back
在你们前面那一部分 on the segment before you.
可以看到所有社交媒体上都有讨论 We saw engagement across all social media platforms.
那我们的部分呢 Hmm. And what about our story?
兰德尔和凯特 Randall and Kate,
你们的电视露面在迪比亚斯基小姐 骂人时获得了不错的流量 your TV appearance got some nice traffic when Miss Dibiasky cursed.
但不幸的是 这马上引起了负面效果 But, unfortunately, there was an immediate backlash
成了表情包 that quickly became a meme.
天啊 Oh, Jesus.
疯子-看眼神就知道
-太可怕了 -他们觉得我疯了 - Oh, that's terrible. - They just think I'm crazy.
看啊 这根本没必要吧 I mean, look at that. That's so unnecessary.
-继续吧 艾琳 -好 - You can move on, Erin. - Yeah.
这太 网上允许这种事情发生吗 That is just so... Is that even allowed on the Internet or...
图应该是处理过的 I think that's Photoshop, Kate.
有个小窍门 就是别往心里去 因为 The trick is to not take it personal...
另一方面 明迪博士获得了很高的喜爱度 Dr. Mindy, on the other hand, had some very high favorables.
“素食*宝贝”说 “喵 我喜欢星星猛男” Vegan*Babe wrote, "Meow! Me likey hunky Star Man."
有些账号称他为 “眼神迷离的末日先知” Uh, some accounts called him "The Bedroom Eyes Doomsday Prophet"
或AILF 即“我最想睡的天文学家” or A-I-L-F, which means "astronomer I'd like to fuck."
这完全毫无关联 是不是 I don't see what that has to do with anything, do you?
以上就是全部内容 And that's everything.
《纽约先驱报》呈现
没有任何网站推送了我们的文章 We did not feature or push on any sites,
整体点击 低于普通天气和交通相关文章 and clicks overall were below basic weather and traffic stories.
就这样 So that... That... That's it?
-我就知道 -就这样 - I knew it. - That's it.
-谢谢你 艾琳 -不客气 - Thank you, Erin. - Yeah, no problem.
我不明白 I don't... I don't understand.
我不明白 没有任何反应 I don't understand. There's no response.
一点都没有 人们为什么不害怕 There's absolutely no... Why aren't people terrified?
我们该怎么说 该怎么做 What do we have to say? What do we have to do?
墨西哥和西班牙 有科学家正在审核数据 There are scientists in Mexico and Spain who are currently going through the data,
韩国表示 and, uh, South Korea has expressed...
太好了 韩国 - That's great. South Korea. - Hey.
我们不要忽悠彼此了 Let us not bullshit each other.
总之 你们跟我们说 科学证明它100%真实 The bottom line is, you guys told us the science was 100%.
而它不是 现在我们看起来就像傻子 It's not. Now we look like idiots.
-不 谁说科学不是100%真实 -你说什么 - No. Who said the science is not 100%? - Excuse me?
我想跟这个人谈谈 你告诉我谁说 I wanna talk to this person. You tell me who said the science...
乔斯林考尔德博士 美国国家航空航天局局长 Dr. Jocelyn Calder, the head of NASA,
称之为“接近歇斯底里的表述” just came out calling it "more near-miss hysteria."
是她让我们不要说出去的 She's the one who told us not to say anything.
“接近歇斯底里的表述” "More near-miss hysteria."
她是天文学家吗 Is she even an astronomer?
她是航空航天局局长 但也许她不知道自己在说什么 She's the head of NASA, but maybe she doesn't know what she's talking about.
她是航空航天局局长 但是 She's the head of NASA, but look,
她还是“前麻醉师 和奥尔林总统的大额捐助者” she's a "former anesthesiologist and a President Orlean super donor."
我们别这么激动 Let's not be dramatic here.
都是腐败 It's all corrupt.
是 但问题是阿杜尔说得对 这个事情还有严肃讨论的空间 Yes, but the point is that Adul's right. There's still serious debate.
现在《先驱报》成了那个闹笑话的人 And now the Herald has egg on its face.
这个故事我们只能讲到这个地步了 We've taken that story as far as it goes.
女士们先生们 祝你们末日愉快 Ladies, gentlemen, I wish you a very pleasant end of times.
这不是故事 好吗 It's not a goddamn story, okay?
准确来说我们还有六个月十天 We have precisely six months, ten days,
两个小时11分41秒 two hours, 11 minutes and 41 seconds,
一颗希克苏鲁伯陨石两倍大的彗星 until a comet twice the size of Chicxulub
会撕破我们的大气层 灭绝地球上所有生物 tears through our atmosphere and extincts all life on Earth.
你什么时候算的 When did you do those calculations?
我把撞击时刻记在减肥应用里了 I put the moment of impact on a diet app.
我的减肥周期结束 撞击就会发生 So, impact is when my diet ends.
只不过我没有在减肥 我只是一天哭五次而已 Only I'm not on a diet. I'm just crying five times a day.
-我很害怕 -嘿 过来 - I'm scared. - Hey, come on. Come on.
现在大家都应该很恐慌 好吗 Everyone should be panicking right now, okay?
-别哭 拜托 -我知道 - Don't cry. Come on. - I know.
那个混蛋 That prick!
你认识那个 说我们都要死了的疯女人吗
我和她睡过
怎么了 What happened?
我男朋友好像刚跟我分手了 Guess my boyfriend just broke up with me.
天啊 今天真难熬 God, what a day. What a day...
你会死的 你也会死的 你也 You're gonna die! You're gonna die! You're...
起因是一张被很多人看成腋下 It started with a photo many thought was an armpit
或是长着奇怪胡须的男人下巴的照片 or the chin of a man with a strange beard.
结果竟是一桩丑闻 But what's emerging now is a scandal...
奥尔林总统给一位最高法院提名人 President Orlean sent her Supreme Court nominee
发送了自己私处的手机照片 a cell phone picture of her private parts.
-天啊 -这是骗点击的玩意 - Holy crap! - It's clickbait material.
你们国家想要的是这种领导人吗 Is this what you want in your country as a leader?
她不就是那个跟穷人说 Isn't she the same person who told poor people
不想受穷 就选个好点的彩票号码的人吗 that if they don't wanna be poor, they should pick better lottery numbers?
她真的说过 She actually said that.
还有线人和我说 A source also confirmed to me that
这两人偷情多年了 the two have been having an affair for years.
就在昨天 And as recently as yesterday...
我党成员正在起草 针对总统的正式谴责 Members of my party are currently drawing up a formal censure of the president,
贾妮奥尔林 Janie Orlean...
哦 天啊 亲爱的 Oh, my God, honey.
这个人连日心轨道是什么都不知道 This guy doesn't even know what a heliocentric orbit is,
他还管我叫怪人 and he's calling me a crackpot.
他说 He says that,
“犹太富豪编造了这个彗星威胁 "Jewish billionaires invented this comet threat
好让政府没收我们的自由和枪支” so the government can confiscate our liberty and our guns."
“话题标签 别害怕” 难以置信 "#DontBeScared." Unbelievable.
我的天 My God.
你最近总看这个网站 You've been on that site a lot lately.
是啊 亲爱的 我有25万订阅用户 Yeah. I mean, I... I have, like, a quarter million subscribers, honey.
我得用自己的声音传播真相 对吧 I gotta use my voice to get the truth out there, right?
我要去散步 一起来吗 I'm, uh, going for a walk if you wanna come.
这叫科学方法 就是科学方法创造了电脑 It is called the scientific method... ...and it is what created the computer
结果你用电脑来打字 传播你那愚蠢的阴谋论 that you are typing your half-witted conspiracy theories on.
你觉得如何 What do you think about that?
兰德尔 Randall?
-怎么了 亲爱的 -有人找你 - Yeah, honey? - Someone's here to see you.
谁 哦 天啊 Who? Oh, boy.
哦 我的天 Oh, my gosh.
哦 老天 好吧 Oh, God, right. Okay.
好 Right.
你是兰德尔明迪博士 Are you Dr. Randall Mindy?
是我 先生 Yes, sir. I am.
“我们都会死” "We're all gonna die."
滚开 Fuck off, please.
联邦调查局 不许动 马上跪下 跪下 FBI! Freeze! Get on your knees right now! Get on your knees!
你因泄露国家机密被捕了 You're under arrest for breach of national security secrets.
老天爷啊 Jesus Christ!
你们打电话给我或者去我家就好了 You could've just called me or showed up to my apartment.
你这是干什么 打扮成盲人 What are you, dressed up as a blind guy?
-趴在地上 -好 冷静点 - Get on the ground! - Okay. Now be cool.
我只是肤色比你深一点而已 I just have more skin pigmentation than you.
因为你的祖先迁徙到了北欧 'Cause your ancestors migrated to Northern Europe
进化出了更浅的肤色 为了 and developed lighter skin so as to not get...
除非你们这些混蛋要带我去蝙蝠洞 Unless you assholes are taking me to the Batcave,
不然去你妈的 竟给我戴头套 fuck you for putting this hood on me.
提防他一点 他会拿免费的东西来向你收钱 Watch out for him. He'll charge you for free shit.
他来干什么 他跟我们一起的吗 What's he doing here? Is he here for us?
先生们 可以进来了 Gentlemen, you can come in.
我想应该是温斯顿丘吉尔 I think it was Winston Churchill who...
或者是鲍勃奈特说过 “伟大的领导力会令 Or maybe it was Bobby Knight who said, "The great labor of leadership
自尊的束缚得到解脱 is to lay down one's yoke of pride
犯过的错误得到承认” and admit that mistakes were made."
你们被误导了 我也是 You were deceived, as was I,
但结果是这样的 我们找了 but the end result was, we had our scientists
哈佛、普林斯顿等名校毕业的科学家 who went to, uh, the prestigious schools of Harvard,Princeton, et cetera.
确认了这些数据 They confirmed the data.
我们想向你们 So we would like to offer you a...
表示来自总统的歉意 presidential apology.
-真的吗 -你听到了吗 Really?
我们已经完全准备好动员起来 And we are fully prepared to mobilize
以前所未有的方式拯救地球 in historic fashion in order to save this planet.
这是这么长时间以来 听到的最好的消息 The best news we've heard in a long time.
你的意思其实是 你就要输掉中期选举了 So, basically, what you're saying is you're about to lose the midterms
因为你被抓到发私密图 'cause you got caught sending pictures of your cooch
给你的毛片主演警长男友 to your porn-star sheriff boyfriend.
所以现在对彗星采取行动 对你有好处 So now it's to your advantage to act on the comet?
对的 Right.
好吧 Okay.
好 我只是 Okay. I'm just...
天啊 你们总算要做点什么了 我松了口气 God, I'm so relieved that you guys are doing something.
-嘿 过来 嘿 -这真的 - Hey, come on. Hey. - This has been really...
-真的很难熬 -过来 - Really, really hard. - Come here.
这对我们来说都太有压力了 This has been really, really, really stressful on all of us.
是 我同意 Yes, I will agree.
这让我们所有人都如释重负 This will take some heavy weight off all of us...
抱歉 你哭起来太难看了 Sorry, you just look so bad when you cry.
也许 Maybe, possibly.
人们会问我们为什么没有早点行动 People are gonna ask why we didn't act earlier.
这事你要背锅 So you're gonna have to take the hit on this one.
对 但我们将来会照顾好你的 乔斯林 Yeah, but we'll take care of you down the road, Jocelyn.
-我们会的 -当然 贾妮 - We will. - Of course, Janie.
我明早就会引咎辞职 I will resign in disgrace first thing tomorrow.
-很好 -太奇怪了 - Good. Yeah, good. - That's weird as hell.
她是个麻醉师 She's an anesthesiologist.
我会发声明 I'm going to make a statement,
向美国人民发一份总统声明 presidential statement to the American people.
我们不会提前告诉媒体 And we're not gonna tell the press about it ahead of time
因为这样看起来就会像 because that way it will have the appearance
突发的紧急情况 of a breaking emergency sort of...
有耐心的人总会等到好事 Good things come to those who wait.
你看 See?
哦 我的天 Oh, my God!
紧急广播系统
我们打断《金龟婿》的播出 We interrupt this broadcast of Jackpot FiancÃ©
插播一条来自美国总统的紧急信息 for an emergency message from the president of the United States.
美国公民以及全世界人民们 Citizens of the United States and peoples of the world,
我刚收到 I have just been handed
一份科学发现 证实了一个最糟糕的情况 scientific findings that confirm a worst-case scenario.
一颗九公里宽的前所未有的彗星 An unprecedented comet, nine kilometers wide,
现在正向我们宝贵的家园地球撞来 is now on a direct collision course with our cherished home, planet Earth.
预计到达时间约为五个月后 Estimated time of arrival is approximately five months from now.
所以我们 So we have...
我们已经做好了 一份巨额国会开支账单 We've drawn up a massive Congressional spending bill...
我已经为国会 准备了一份紧急开支方案 I have already put together an emergency spending package for Congress...
参议院及众议院均已通过 ...that the Senate and the House have agreed upon.
很好 That's good to hear.
这将支持美国国家航空航天局 和我们伟大的军队 And that will enable NASA and our great military
发起一次抢先撞击 to launch a preemptive strike,
利用退役的航天飞机和卫星 using decommissioned space shuttles and satellites
装载核弹 loaded with nuclear explosives.
我们将会 把迪比亚斯基彗星撞离原有轨道 We will blow Comet Dibiasky off her course...
但我们需要一位英雄 But we're gonna need a hero.
我们需要一位飞行员 真枪实弹 We're gonna need a pilot, real guns and...
这项任务不该使用远程技术完成吗 Shouldn't this mission be accomplished using remote technology?
华盛顿永远需要英雄 Washington's always gotta have a hero.
我邀请 I have asked
自由勋章获得者、心直口快的爱国者 本尼迪克特德拉斯克 Medal of Freedom recipient and outspoken patriot, Benedict Drask,
承担这项艰难而 to undertake this difficult and...
不好意思 这不是那个 I'm sorry. Isn't he the mercenary gentleman
在白宫草坪上吼小孩的雇佣兵吗 that was screaming at all those children on the White House lawn?
对 他曾有幸执行总统发起的 Yeah. He was given the honor of leading
让儿童锻炼身体的活动 the presidential initiative in getting kids to exercise.
跳高一点 你们这些胖子 Get a little air into it, you lard-ass...
你们就像一群胆小鬼 You look like a goddamn bunch of pussies.
-抱歉 -我觉得他是上一代人的思维 - I'm sorry. - He's just of another generation.
我以前和他谈过恋爱 You know, I used to date him.
知道以前我在战斗中 遇到的最后一个懦夫怎么样了吗 Know what happened to the last pussy I worked with in combat?
看过人体内部是什么样吗 You ever see inside a man's torso?
本尼迪克特德拉斯克前来报到 Benedict Drask reporting for duty.
-感谢你 -他很棒的 - Thank you for the... - He's gonna be fantastic.
他声音很好听 He's got a great voice.
-我们要让他发表一份声明 -有人说这是一个 - We're gonna let him make a statement. - Some are saying this is a...
他身材也很好 He's got a great body too.
-真的 -是啊 - He does. - Yeah.
自杀任务 ...suicide mission.
我唯一的要求是 Well, all I ask is,
如果我死了 if I get snuffed,
你们都能因我的牺牲而活得更久 that you all earn the extra living my sacrifice gives you.
因我的牺牲让他们活得更久 The extra living my sacrifice gives them.
-对吧 -这是我写的 - Right? - I wrote that.
这不是《拯救大兵瑞恩》的台词吗 Isn't that from Saving Private Ryan?
-是的 -不 那里面的台词完全不一样 - Yes. - No, that's something totally different.
特别感谢我身后的科学家团队 And special thanks should also go to this team of scientists behind me...
这次任务 我们需要所有人的帮助 We're gonna need everybody's help on this.
-所有人 - 关于这场迫在眉睫的威胁 Everybody.
所有人都应行动起来 把这条消息传播出去 All have to pitch in and push out this message.
非裔美籍科学家 ...African-American scientist.
迪比亚斯基小姐 她 Miss Dibiasky, she...
彗星就是以她命名的 凯特迪比亚斯基 And we have Kate Dibiasky, who the comet is named after,
但不要责怪她 but don't blame her.
和不满的年轻人、精神疾病 ...connects with the disaffected youth and the mentally ill.
-以及其他边缘群体产生共鸣 -谢谢 - And other marginal groups. - Thank you.
-我们会尽己所能 -只要你们采取正确的行动 - We'll do whatever we can. - As long as you do the right thing.
-我们会支持你们的 -好 We're there for you.
特别是你 明迪博士 因为你的民调结果远高于你的同事们 Especially you, Dr. Mindy, because you poll so much higher than your colleagues.
很疯狂 It's wild.
他会帮助我们 摧毁我们共同的敌人 迪比亚斯基 He will help us destroy our common enemy, Dibiasky.
真棒 我想我们的工作结束了 Wonderful. Well, I think we're done.
是的 好 我们走吧 Yep, okay. Let's go.
-我能说句话吗 -凯特 Can I say something?
我们等不及想听你的发言呢 We've been dying to hear what you gotta say.
我没有投票给你 I didn't vote for you.
但这件事比我对你的怀疑重要很多 But this is obviously much bigger than my misgivings.
我会全力支持的 So I will be 100% behind this effort.
无论我觉得你有多无礼 No matter how offensive I may find you.
哇 太棒了 Hmm. Wow. That's great.
是啊 真好 Yeah. That's really nice.
是我让联邦调查局的人套住你的头 You know, I did have the FBI put that bag over your head.
他们一般不那么做 中情局才会这样 但我要求他们做了 They don't do that. The CIA does, but I made them do it.
我其实猜到了 真的 You know, I had a feeling. I really did.
猜得很准 这就是我的行事风格 It's a good feeling 'cause that is what I did.
-很有趣 很酷 -好的 - And it was very funny and cool. - Okay.
愿耶稣基督保佑你们每个人 May Jesus Christ bless every single one of you,
特别是我党光荣的成员们 especially the honorable members of my own party.
我们会胜利的 We will prevail.
我们都会死 We're all gonna die!
各位 这颗彗星让我压力好大 Guys, this comet is seriously stressing me out.
它要来了 人们应该挖防御沟渠 Well, it's coming. People gotta dig in.
已经有人在线上市场找我买铁铲 I already got buyers for these shovels on e-market.
奥尔林总统在中期选举中 取得压倒性胜利 Clean sweep for President Orlean in these midterm elections.
奥尔林支持率99.1%
-说到他的性感 -一张照片一千块 - ...how hot he is. - Thousand bucks a pop.
天文女巫 谴责凯特
彗星是场骗局吗
-我们突然就要完蛋了 -“ 履行我即将承担的职责” ...discharge the duties on which I am about to enter.
“向上帝起誓” "So help you God."
-向上帝起誓 -祝贺 - So help me God. - Congratulations.
股票市场暴涨
办公室在严肃讨论颁出诺贝尔和平奖 We have talk of a Nobel Peace Prize in the offing.
他不性感啊 He's not hot.
股票市场下跌 一日破纪录
末日将近 还会有超级碗吗
你好 胡麻 Hello, Sammy.
你真的是个博士吗 Are you really a doctor?
算是吧 我是个天文学家 Well, sort of. I'm an astronomer.
天文学家是什么 Oh. What is an astronomer?
明迪博士 很多人非常恐惧 Dr. Mindy, there is a lot of fear out there,
在美国 乃至全世界 uh, in America, around the world.
家长们不知道该怎么和孩子们说 Parents don't know what to say to their kids.
你有什么话可以 帮助他们理解现在的处境吗 What would you say to them to help them understand?
我知道现在很多人一定很害怕 Well, I'm sure many of us are frightened right now.
但我向大家保证 最优秀、最聪明的人正在着手解决 But I can assure you, our best and our brightest, they're on the job.
我看过这个计划的科学论证 非常可靠 I've seen the science on this plan and it is sound.
我知道你的话一定能 安慰到我们所有观众 兰德尔博士 I know your words are a great comfort to all our viewers, Dr. Randall,
我们感谢你的勇气和贡献 and we thank you for your courage and your service.
我想说 I'd just like to say
每当我感到害怕或孤独 我 that whenever I feel afraid or alone in this, I...
只要想到你 我就会好受些 谢谢 I think of you and I just... I feel better. So thank you.
这是我的工作 That's my job.
-给我说我们都会死 -什么 - Tell me we're all gonna die. - What?
-说吧 我们都会死 快 -我们都会死 - Tell me we're all gonna die, do it. - We're all gonna die.
哦 天啊 Oh, boy.
所以这两个马克思主义者 挥舞着“科学”二字 So, these two Marxists wave around the word "science"
我们就应该照他们说的做 and we're all supposed to do whatever they say?
我们怎么知道是不是真的有彗星 Yeah, how do we know there even is a comet?
众议员帕凯蒂先生 这份数据已经由 Mr. Pawketty, Congressman, this data has been proven
数百名世界知名科学家证实和审校过 and has been peer-reviewed by hundreds of world-renowned scientists.
我们应该相信你 彗星可是用你的名字命名的 And we're supposed to trust you? The comet's got your name.
我不明白这有什么关联 I don't... I don't see the relevancy.
那为什么不回答一下问题 Why won't you answer the question?
-回答问题 -问题是什么 - Answer the question. - What's the question?
成熟一点 可以吗 Grow up here, okay?
太荒唐了 This is ridiculous.
我刚意识到 我们一点都不了解彼此 是不是 I've just realized, we don't really know anything about each other. Do we?
是的 True.
每次我试着问关于你生活的问题 Well, every time I try to ask you about your life,
你好像只会告诉我你喜欢的餐厅 you seem to just tell me about your favorite restaurants.
我 你懂的 Well, I... You know...
我不喜欢感情中 I just despise the, you know,
互相了解这个步骤 所以 getting-to-know-you part of relationships, so...
好吧 我理解 Oh, okay. I understand.
好吧 那么我们速战速决 Okay, let's just get it over and done with.
好的 Okay, uh...
对 Right, so, uh...
我祖父发明了速冻技术 My grandfather invented the flash-freezing process.
所以我家境非常好 So I come from grotesque money,
但我远离家业 拿了三个硕士学位 but I got away from it by getting three masters degrees.
我离过两次婚 Uh, I've been divorced twice.
一次是和一个国务卿 另一次是和一个游钓运动员 Uh, one was a Secretary of State, and the other one was a sport fisherman.
我睡过两个前总统 Uh, I have slept with two former presidents.
我会说四种语言 有两幅莫奈的画 I speak four languages, and I own two Monets.
哇 Wow.
两个前总统 哇 Two former presidents. Wow.
-到我了 -对 - What, my turn? - Yeah.
好吧 我爸是个中学地理老师 Oh. All right. My fatherÂ was a middle school geography teacher.
我妈在厨房外面给人理发 My mother, she cut hair out of the kitchen.
大约两年前 我们家的狗 乔乔死了 Uh, about two years ago, our family dog, JoJo, died,
这让人很难过 which was really, really emotional.
我记忆中从未哭过那么厉害 I can't remember crying that much ever.
还有 And, um...
我终于拿到了 马克哈米尔签名的《星球大战》海报 I finally got my, uh, Star Wars poster signed by Mark Hamill.
在车库里 对 It's in the garage. It's... So, yeah.
好的 很好 Okay, good.
结束了 That's done.
我们今晚去哪儿吃 Where are we gonna go for dinner tonight?
发射日
耶和华是我的牧者 我必不至缺乏 The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.
他使我躺卧在青草地上 He makes me to lie down in green pastures.
东部中午12点23
领我在可安歇的水边 他使我的灵魂苏醒 He leads me beside the quiet waters. He restores my soul.
诺曼底登陆以来 我们还没见过如此大规模调动 Not since D-Day have we seen such a mass mobilization
队伍和资源的神圣任务 of unions and resources for such a noble task.
即便是无法帮上忙的人们 One cannot help but be moved by the bravery, ingenuity,
也会被这里展现出的勇气 智慧和牺牲所感动 and sacrifice on display here.
好了各位 大家保持警惕 Okay, here we go, everyone. Let's stay sharp.
我希望你知道 这是至今为止发生过 I just want you to know, this is the most propulsive thing
对我助益最大的事情 谢谢 that's ever happened to me. Thank you.
你们等什么呢 各位 What's the holdup, you guys? What are you waiting on?
拜托 混蛋们 把烟花点燃吧 Come on, motherfuckers, let's light this fucking firecracker, huh?
当我很有空吗 Think I got all day?
德拉斯克长官 这里是总统 Commander Drask, this is your president speaking.
你的国家感谢你 Your nation thanks you.
你的星球感谢你 Your planet thanks you.
我和上帝感谢你 And God and I thank you.
听着 我需要的谢礼 只有一杯杰克丹尼尔 Listen, the only thanks I need is a shot of Jack Daniels.
和撤销几条酒驾记录 And a couple DUIs to magically go away.
这里是指挥中心 所有指标正常 This is Mission Control. All indicators are coming up green.
这是控制发射台的最后警告 This is a final warning to control the launchpad.
是你们的发现带来了 这次任务以及让我们拯救地球的机会 Your discovery led to this mission and our chance to save Earth.
我要给予你们 I give you...
这份荣誉 the honor.
谢谢 Thank you.
谢谢你 总统女士 Thank you, Madam President.
地球公民们 Citizens of planet Earth,
任何事在完成之前 everything is theoretically impossible
理论上都是不可能的 until it is done.
记住这一点 我们准备发射 And with that, we are go for launch.
好 Yes.
-太好了 -谢谢 - That's fire. - Thank you.
非常好 It was lit.
你们不介意我加入吧 Hey, everyone, mind if I join?
-大家好 -你好 彼得 - Hello. - Hello, Peter. Hi.
你好布里 你还是老样子 光彩照人 Hi. Oh, Brie, you look fabulous. As always.
他可以进这里吗 Is he allowed to be in here?
是的 他是竞选活动的 白金雄鹰等级捐助者 可以畅通无阻 Yeah, he's a Platinum Eagle level donor to the campaign. He has full clearance.
部署发射任务 Launch mission array.
摇头丸开始生效了 时机刚刚好 Molly kicking in right now. Timed that shit perfect.
十、九、八、七、六、五、四 Ten, nine, eight... seven, six, five, four...
三 Three...
感谢上帝 Thank God!
Oh, Susannah Don't you cry for me
I come from Alabama With a banjo on my knee, hey!
没有失去任何卫星 We didn't lose any satellites.
容错空间是两台故障 Margin of error was for two to malfunction.
嘿 总统女士 可以和你出来说句话吗 Hey, Madam President, may I have a word with you outside for a moment, please?
哦 我的天 Oh, my God.
任务成功的概率已经提升到81% Mission success probability is already increased to 81%.
真出色 Outstanding.
贾妮 马上 Janie, now!
太抱歉了 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
彼得 我不是故意 Peter, I didn't mean...
向这颗我们所有人 称之为故乡的美丽的蓝色星球问好 And a big hello to that beautiful blue ball down there we all call home.
还有所有那些 努力工作的骄傲的白人 All those proud white folks working hard.
上帝保佑你们 God bless you.
这只是代沟吧 是的 Just a different generation. Yeah.
我还要和所有印第安人打招呼 I also wanna say hello to all the Indians out there.
还有印度人 骑大象的和拿弓箭的 Both kinds. You know, the ones with the elephants and the ones with the bow and arrows.
嘿 你们为什么不联合起来 那该多棒啊 Hey, why haven't you guys ever teamed up? How cool would that be, huh?
我想和所有同性恋打个招呼 I wanna say hello to all the gays out there.
长官 助推器即将弹射 - Commander, booster ejection is imminent. - Huh?
-我们继续沟通任务内容吧 -收到 - Let's keep comm on mission. - Oh. Roger that.
分离确认 Separation confirmed.- Separation confirmed.
好 - Whoo!
那是法语吗 Was that French?
是的 意思是“天使们飞往天堂” Yes, it is. It means, "the angels soar to the heavens." It's, um...
这是我在达特茅斯学过的 一首14世纪诗歌 It's from a 14th-century poem I studied in Dartmouth.
看着这场面 让我想到了它 And just watching this, it just made me think of it,
想到了你 and think of you.
天啊 我不能 God, I can't...
不能 Can't...
#发射挑战
我觉得我可能应该去医院看看 I think I probably should go to the hospital and see what they...
来吧 Launch challenge!
发射 Go! Go! Go!
各位 我刚收到 Everyone, I have just received
一些关于我们任务的重要信息 some critical information concerning our mission.
看起来好像调头了 Looks like it's turning around.
不 没有 这是轨道纠偏 No, it's not. It's a course correction.
是标准流程 It's pretty standard.
我以前在海军待过 I was in the Navy.
不 它调头了 Nope. It's turning around.
看来人群有些困惑 Seems to be some confusion here amongst the crowd,
但我和大家说实话 but I'm not gonna lie to you.
此刻记者也无语了 This reporter is at a loss for words right now.
它真的调头了 It's definitely turning around.
我正看着它 I'm looking straight at it.
德拉斯克的飞船肯定是掉头了 Drask's ship is definitely turning around.
有人知道刚才发生了什么吗 Does anyone know what the fuck just happened?
还是锁着的 It's still locked.
我不明白有可能出什么事 I just don't... I don't understand what could've happened.
任务当时进行顺利 是不是 一切正常 I mean, the mission was working, right? Everything was on track.
是啊 一切皆有可能 Yeah. I mean, it could've been anything, uh...
也许导航系统故障了 核弹不稳定 很多可能性 Guidance system could've malfunctioned, uh, nuke destabilized, myriad of things.
走进战情室的那个男人是谁 Who was that guy that walked into the Situation Room?
看起来很眼熟 He looked familiar.
那是彼得伊舍威尔 巴什公司 首席执行官 史上第三富有的人 That was Peter Isherwell, CEO of BASH, and the third richest human ever.
他就是那个买了《古登堡圣经》 又把它弄丢的人 He's the guy that, uh, bought the Gutenberg Bible and lost it.
抱歉让你们久等了 Sorry to keep you waiting.
计划赶不上变化 Things are, uh, extremely fluid.
兰德尔博士 Dr. Randall,
你现在是白宫首席科学顾问 you are now the Chief Science Advisor to the White House.
什么 What?
你需要参加一个紧急内阁会议 As such, you need to attend an emergency Cabinet meeting
会上你会知晓所有细节 where you will be debriefed.
那我们呢 What about us?
你没有权限参加 宝贝 别嗑药了 You do not have clearance for this, sweetheart. Don't trip.
给你们拿了点薯片和水 Got you some crackers, some waters.
你没必要扔地上 You don't need to throw it on the floor.
最多三四个小时 Gonna be three, four hours, tops.
给 凯特 我不明白 他为什么要扔地上 给 Here, Kate. I don't know why he threw 'em down. Here.
我们如果要去洗手间怎么办 What if we have to go to the bathroom?
我们会给你们铺点报纸 We'll lay out some newspaper for you.
给你们拿一罐除臭剂 Grab you a can of Febreze.
-简短美好的步骤 对 -我马上回来 Short, sweet and simple science.I'll be back.
好了 走吧 All right. Come on.
科学揭示真相 兰德尔 Science tells the truth, Randall.
可恶 你想来吗 Fuck. Do you wanna come?
想啊 Yeah.
女士们先生们 我们以为 Ladies and gentlemen, what we thought,
全世界以为的这场紧迫、可怕的危机 what the world thought was an impending and terrifying danger,
结果竟是一个令人激动的机会 turns out to be an astonishing opportunity.
我们的盟友们非常困惑 正寻求解释 Our allies are very confused and demanding answers...
让他们等着 Well, tell 'em to wait.
根据迪比亚斯基彗星 最新的光谱仪检测数据 According to the most recent spectrometer readings of Comet Dibiasky,
由巴什蜂窝的天文学家算出 made by the astrogeologists at BASH Cellular,
我们有了新的发现 we've discovered something.
一些奇迹般的发现 Something truly miraculous.
彼得 Peter. Peter?
谢谢你 贾妮 Oh, thank you, Janie.
如你们中有些人所知 As, uh... As some of you may know,
世界上最珍贵的矿产 the most valuable minerals in the world
快速变成了 are fast becoming those that are deployed
用来制造手机和电脑的物质 in the manufacture of cell phones and, uh, computers.
钇、铽、锇、镝等等 Yttrium, terbium, osmium, dysprosium, on and on and on.
资源短缺 We're running short.
这个问题变得更加严重是因为 Uh, and the problem is exacerbated, of course,
中国掌握着几乎所有 because China has her big panda paw firmly on almost all the mines
出产这些宝贵稀缺地球资源的矿 that produce these valuable rare Earth assets.
你们可以想象 So you can imagine.
哇 Wow!
我们巴什公司高兴极了 Just how happy we were at BASH
因为我们的天文学家发现 when our astrogeologists discovered
这颗从宇宙深处 朝地球急速飞来的彗星 and then determined that this comet, hurtling towards us from deep space,
蕴藏着价值至少 32万亿美元的重要矿产 actually contains at least $32 trillion of these critical materials.
这对技术来说非常重要 Critical to technology.
-如果我们要继续 -抱歉 If we're to proceed...
中止整个任务的原因 I'm sorry. Is that why you aborted this entire mission,
就是你们想开采彗星上的稀缺矿产 is because you're trying to mine the comet for rare minerals?
明迪博士 我觉得我们应该等 整个演讲结束后再提问 I think we should hold all questions until the end of the presentation,
到时也许你的问题就已经得到了回答 and you might find that your questions are answered.
是的 总统女士 Yes, Madam President.
考虑其他金属的话 彗星实际蕴藏了 When you... When the other metals are factored in,the comet actually contains
价值近140万亿美元的资源 almost $140 trillion worth of assets.
140万亿 Buck-forty trilli.
嗯 Yeah...
如果我们都要死了 这些万亿美元又有什么意义 What do these trillions of dollars even matter if we're all gonna die...
我也想问这个问题 贾妮 I was about to ask the same question, Janie.
为何不征求我们的意见 Why weren't we consulted?
-恕我直言 总统女士 -哦 不 All due respect, Madam President...
- 这极其危险 -如果我们既赚了钱又安然无恙呢 Oh, no! What if we're rich and we're safe?
我在脑子里一遍遍回想 I've gone over it again and again and again in my head
我还是想不通 and I still can't make sense of it.
他是个三星中将 在五角大楼工作 He's a three-star general. He works at the Pentagon.
为什么要拿免费零食收我们的钱 Why would he charge us for free snacks?
我有一次遇到了斯汀 One time, I met Sting,
我对天发誓 他就在我面前放了屁 and I swear to God, he farted right in front of me.
没有避开视线 也没有说“抱歉” Didn't break eye contact and didn't even say "excuse me."
关键是 他丝毫没有引起反感 And the thing is, he actually pulled it off.
因为我依然觉得他很有魅力 'Cause I still found him to be quite charming.
两位 我们得谈谈 我们走 马上 Guys, we have to talk. Come on, let's go. Come on, now.
太疯狂了 彻头彻尾的疯狂 It's insane. Like, completely insane.
根本不可能成功的 It will never work.
我和你的反应一模一样 I had the exact same reaction.
这可是一颗直径九公里的地球杀手 This is a nine-kilometer-wide planet-killer we're talking about,
不是在说漫游费 not roaming charges.
他们取消任务 我也很困惑、很愤怒 Look, I... I was confused and outraged that they turned this mission around too,
但他们的团队有斯坦福的盖里泰可蒙 but they've got Gary Talcamont from Stanford
和普林斯顿的丽莎伊内兹 and Lisa Inez from Princeton on their team.
这可是下一代最前沿的技术 I mean, this is next-generation cutting-edge technology.
一颗巨大的彗星显然对地球来说 是存亡攸关的重大威胁 Obviously, one giant comet is a major and existential, uh, threat to our planet,
但我们可以应付30个小型流星体 but 30 smaller meteoroids, we can handle.
我们的必得机 也就是巴什探索开采无人机 Our BEADS, that stands for BASH, uh, Explore and Acquire Drones,
如你们所见 that you see here,
将会把机体附着在彗星上 attach themselves to the comet
使用纳米技术进行扫描 and scan it with nanotechnology
该技术由诺贝尔奖得主 developed by Nobel Prize-winning scientist,
盖里泰可蒙开发 Dr. Gary Talcamont.
然后我们就立刻开采了吧 And then we immediately deploy, don't we?
诺贝尔和波隆斯基奖得主 Nobel and Polonsky prize-winning scientist
科学家伊内兹博士的 微标量子裂变爆炸物 Dr. Inez's micro-targeted, quantum fission, uh, explosives.
看 深入星体中 You see, deep into the object...
伊内兹博士 你要来说明一下吗 Dr. Inez, would you like to explain what's happening?
谢谢你 彼得 Thank you, Peter.
我们在欧洲核子研究中心的 粒子加速器中 We've been developing phase-fission reactions
进行分段裂变反应 in the CERN particle accelerator
用于将彗星分裂成小块 that can splinter the comet into smaller pieces
且确保极致精确 with breathtaking accuracy.
这些碎片随后将被每台必得机 进行转向和减速 These segments are then steered and decelerated by each BEAD
落入太平洋 等待美国海军舰队回收 into the Pacific Ocean for reclamation by waiting US Navy ships.
当这些 谢谢 And when these... Thank you.
当这些来自天堂的宝藏回收之后 And when these treasures from heaven are claimed,
我们所知的贫困 社会不公、生物多样性的丧失 poverty as we know it, social injustice, loss of biodiversity,
所有这些各种各样的问题 all these multitudes of problems
都将成为过去 are just gonna become relics of the past
人类将大步穿过 所罗门圣殿的铜柱 全身赤裸地 and humanity is gonna stride through the Pillars of Boaz and Jachin naked
迈入黄金时代的光辉 into the the glory of a golden age...
这个纳米技术经过了同行评审吗 And is this nanotech work peer-reviewed?
我还没看数据 但已经建模了 Well, I haven't reviewed the data, but it's been modeled.
有任何部分经过了同行评审吗 Has any of this been peer-reviewed?
没有 Nope.
行星间、星际 Interplanetary, interstellar,
星系间都将有人类存在 intergalactic existence for the human race.
-托你吉言 -我愿意加入 Your mouth to God's ear.
他们能从这颗彗星上 获取的矿产和财富 I understand the wealth that they can extract from this comet,
可以终结世界饥饿 it can end world hunger.
哦 我懂了 Oh, I see.
-你们笑什么 -没错 不 我明白 - Why are you laughing? - That's true. No, I see.
这是他们用来给闹剧打掩护的小借口 So that's the pretty little bow they're putting around this line of bullshit.
我猜他们还会说解放小狗 I bet they'll say freedom and puppies too.
-是啊 -好吧 - All right. - Yeah.
你们想让我退出任务 那我就退出 没关系 You want me to quit the mission? I'll quit the mission. That's fine.
但你们得明白 现在这已经不受我们控制了 But you have to understand, this is now beyond our control.
权力都在他们手上 They have all the power.
你们希望谁来参与并确保 So who do you want in the actual room to make sure
整件事不会变成彻头彻尾的灾难 this whole thing doesn't turn out to be a complete goddamn disaster?
杰森奥尔林 你们希望杰森奥尔林参与吗 Jason Orlean? You want Jason Orlean in that room? Huh?
跟你说个新鲜事 现在已经是彻头彻尾的灾难了 I have news for you. It's already a complete disaster.
他们在让一个山峰大小的彗星 They're talking about letting a comet the size of a mountain
撞击地球 就为了让一家 手机公司的股票大涨特涨 hit the planet to jack up a cell phone company's stock!
你的音量最好马上降个四五级 You better take that down about four or five notches now.
你刚才大叫 是在说他们取消任务的原因吗 Were you yelling about that mission?
和手机有什么关系 Why were you talking about cell phones?
我的朋友只是在猜想 My friend was just theorizing as to what's going on.
我们也一头雾水 We're confused too.
你看上去有正规的白宫胸牌 That's an awfully official-looking White House badge you got there.
我不知道这是哪来的 不清楚 I don't know why I have this on.
告诉我们是怎么回事吧 Listen, just tell us what's going on.
我家三个小孩都被吓坏了 告诉我们点信息吧 I got three scared kids at home. Just tell us something.
我理解 我也希望能分享信息 但 I understand. I wish I could share information, but...
我们和你们是一样的 我们有权知道 We're people just like you. We deserve to know!
他们说得对 他们有权知道 They're right. They deserve to know.
你们真的想知道发生了什么吗 Do you really wanna know what's going on?
-是的 -请告诉我们 - Yeah. - Please.
-嘿 凯特 不要 -凯特 - Kate, don't. Kate. - Kate.
他们在彗星上发现了稀奇的金银财宝 They found a bunch of gold and diamonds and rare shit on the comet.
所以他们要让它撞击地球 So they're gonna let it hit the planet
让一群富人变得更他妈富有 to make a bunch of rich people even more disgustingly rich!
操 Fuck you!
不要录像 No camera!
我都说了 他们就是不听 ...everything I could, they won't listen.
真是惊喜 Surprise, surprise.
我开始觉得你就是喜欢煽动人群 Now, I'm starting to think you just like riling people up.
很抱歉 凯特 真的 I'm so sorry, Kate. Really, I am.
哦 兰德尔 天啊 Oh, Randall. God.
布里埃文蒂呢 Where's Brie Evantee?
你俩不是应该在 Shouldn't you two be playing footsie in a restaurant
只供应方块和海绵的餐厅调情吗 that only serves cubes and foam?
她说得没错 你的行为确实有些离谱了 Well, she ain't wrong. You did lose the thread in a big way.
那你们觉得该怎么办 网上请愿吗 And what do you suggest we do? An online petition, huh?
你们想举着 带着暴动人群高举抗议标牌 You want to hold... Get a mob and hold up picket signs?
你们想推翻政府 看看现实吧 You wanna overthrow the government? I mean, look at this.
我看不见 我脑袋上套着袋子 I can't! My head is in a bag!
对不起 明迪博士 白宫希望她与外界隔离 Sorry, Dr. Mindy. White House wants her off the grid.
-拜托 听着 -马上 - Come on, now. Look... - Now.
等等 什么意思 那是什么鬼 Wait. What does that mean? What the hell does that mean?
-“与外界隔离”是什么意思 -嘿 凯特 - What does "off the grid" mean? - Hey, Kate.
哦 天啊 凯特 你没事吧 Oh, gosh. Kate! Are you okay?
什么都不重要了 比如虚拟货币
泰迪 拜托 我有选择吗 Teddy, come on! What choice do I have here?
人总是有选择的 兰德尔 A man's always got choices, Randall!
有时候你得做对的选择 Sometimes you just gotta choose the good one!
凯特兰迪比亚斯基小姐 Miss Katelyn Dibiasky,
你面临的指控是泄露国家安全机密 the charges against you are violation of national security secrets,
煽动暴乱 和损坏博乔曼波虾公司私有财产 inciting a riot, and destruction of private property owned by Bojo Mambo's Shrimp LLC.
什么 我没有 What? I didn't...
但是 司法部长愿意不起诉你 However, the Attorney General is willing to not pursue prosecution
条件如下 if you will agree to the following:
“停止在任何公共媒体上露面 "The suspension of all public media appearances
不发表和迪比亚斯基彗星 以及巴什蜂窝相关的煽动性言论” and incendiary language relating to Comet Dibiasky and BASH Cellular."
行了 给我吧 我不在乎了 Fine. Give it to me. I don't give a shit anymore.
爸妈 回家真是太好了 Mom. Dad. I'm so glad to be home.
开门啊 Unlock the door.
不要谈政治 绝不 No politics. None.
你在说什么 What are you talking about?
我和你爸支持 彗星将会带来的工作机会 Your dad and I are for the jobs the comet will provide.
这个国家的分化已经很严重了 The divisions in this country are bad enough.
我们不希望这个家里还政见不一 We don't want more of that in our house.
-慢点 孩子们 -抱歉 妈妈 - Slow down, kids. - Sorry, Mom.
我为孩子们的未来感到担忧 I worry about my kids and their future.
是的 彗星会创造的工作听起来很棒 Sure, the jobs the comet's gonna create sound great.
但假如它不安全呢 What if it's not safe?
现在 成千上万的人们 有着相同的疑虑 Right now, millions of you are having these same doubts and questions
兰德尔明迪博士
对即将到来的彗星感到不安 about the approaching comet.
因此巴什蜂窝 That is why BASH Cellular
联合美国政府 in conjunction with the United States Government
新建了这条免费热线 回答你们的所有疑问 is creating a new hotline, free of charge, to answer all of your questions.
谁知道呢 也许 我是说也许 我们的某位科学家 And who knows? Maybe, just maybe, one of our scientists...
谢谢你 夏伦 我感觉好多了 Thank you, Sharon. Makes me feel so much better.
可以成为在动荡时期 我们可以依靠的那个朋友 ...can be that friend we all need to lean on during uncertain times.
拨打1-800-532-4500 安抚您的情绪 Call 1-800-532-4500 for peace of mind.
仅支持巴什顾客拨打 Offer only available to BASH customers.
通话细节可能与其他下属公司共享 用于提升您未来的用户体验 Details of your call may be shared with other subsidiaries to enhance your customer experience.
您需支付数据漫游费用 Data and roaming charges apply.
我以为他是大使 我就在恭维他 So, I thought he was the ambassador. I was just flattering him.
他是个服务生 他现在自信心爆棚到德州那么大 Well, he was a waiter. Now he's got an ego the size of Texas.
哦 我的天 Oh, my God.
琼 你来干什么 亲爱的 June, what, uh... What are you doing here, sweetie?
我感觉可能不对劲 所以就 Had a feeling something was going on and just...
我们在聊重要的事情 Well, you know, we're discussing important business.
-这就是我们在做的事 -是啊 真的非常重要 - That's what we're doing. - Oh, yeah, that's really very important.
这段能跳过吗 就是你感觉自己很占理 Oh, can we just skip past this part, please? Where you get to feel self-righteous
而我们像犯了错一样 夹着尾巴的戏码 太无聊了 and we put our tails between our legs. It is just so boring.
“太无聊” Oh, it's "so boring"?
你想跳过 因为和我丈夫上床而内疚的部分 You wanna skip the part where you feel bad for screwing my husband?
不 我不内疚 Oh... No, I don't feel bad.
我和兰德尔相处很愉快 我觉得问题在于 Randall and I are having a wonderful time. So, I think the question is,
是我们继续共享美好时光 还是你和他回威斯康辛 do we keep having a wonderful time or does he go back with you to Wisconsin?
或者蒙大拿 Or Montana.
-密歇根 -密歇根 - Michigan? - Michigan.
她说得对 You know, um... she is actually right.
这是唯一的问题 所以 That's the only question. So...
琼 亲爱的 Well, June, sweetie...
有时候生活就是很复杂 Sometimes in life things are, you know, they're complicated and they just...
好吧 Oh, okay.
真快 Oh, that was fast, um...
我走之前 Well, before I go, um,
教你一下 let me just give you some instructions
-如何照顾兰德尔 -我很抱歉 on how to take care of Randall.
对 这是赞安诺 惊恐发作时吃的 Yeah, here's the Xanax he takes for his panic attacks.
哦 天啊 Oh, gosh.
这是消沉崩溃时吃的左洛复 Here's the Zoloft he takes for the crashing depressions.
最近不太发作了 好吧 - Not so much recently. Okay, you know...
真好 那太好了 - Oh! Oh, good for you. Great.
这是治疗血压的 - Uh, this is for his blood pressure. - Ow.
-不宁腿综合征 这个很有意思 -天啊 - Restless leg syndrome, that's a fun one. - God.
用来中和其他药物 导致的增重的厌食剂 Oh. Appetite suppressant to counteract the weight gain from his other meds.
还有给这位 美国最性感科学家的希爱力 And, uh, for America's sexiest scientist, a bottle of goddamn Cialis!
天啊 Ow! Gosh.
再见 再见 兰德尔 Goodbye. Goodbye, Randall.
看来我只能跟儿子们说 I guess I'll just tell your sons
爸爸和我们电视里的女人上床了 that Dad's fucking the lady on our television.
琼 我 June, I...
我真的有一瞬间觉得能行得通的 I really thought for a second that was gonna work out.
各位 他们想控制彗星 创造更多工作 People, they wanna manage the comet to create jobs.
37%的人完全不希望彗星撞击 Thirty-seven percent don't want the comet to hit.
这个比例下降了三个点 That's actually down by three points.
23%的人认为根本没有彗星 And 23%, they don't think there's a comet at all,
这个数字在上涨 and that number is way up.
为什么比特币 老鼠币 Not Bitcoin, RatCoin.
老鼠币 RatCoin.
是 我觉得如果你看下数字
我想买这副墨镜 I'd like to buy these sunglasses.
你是那个在直播上 说我们都会死的女孩 You that girl from live TV who said we're all gonna die?
不是 你要买什么 No. What's your purchase?
搞没搞错 What the fuck?
-不 就是你 肯定是你 -对 是我 - Yeah, that's you. It's definitely you. - Yep, that's me.
不得了 你是真正的传奇 言出必行 Holy shit. You're a stone-cold legend. Word is bond.
我的滑板上有你的照片 I got a picture of you on my board.
他滑板上有你照片 Picture on his fucking board.
太棒了 你要买什么 That's great. What's your purchase?
如果不买东西 请你离开队伍 If you don't have one, get out of line
给后面的顾客让位 and make room for other customers.
我可以用不色情的方式 摸摸你的头发吗 Can I touch your hair in a non-sexual way?
-滚开 -伙计 有点 - Get the fuck away from me. - Oh, dude, have some... Um...
打给迪欧戈 他会吓死 你能快速和我朋友打个招呼吗 Call Diogo, he'll freak out. Will you say hi to my friend?
他超喜欢你 我们爱你 我们不喜欢 Dude, he's obsessed with you. We love you. We don't like...
我们也受不了奥尔林 Can't stand Orlean, either.
你好吗 哟 快看 What's up? Yo, check out...
闭嘴 看看我们和谁在一起 Yo, shut the fuck up. Check out who we're with.
-哟 伙计 怎么样 -怎么样 - Yo, bro! What up? - What up?
我们要买东西 但我们没钱 I mean, we have a purchase, but we don't have payment,
也就是说 which is a metaphor on...
-没现金 -而且 菲利普 我听说 - Cash? - Also, Phillip, I've been told...
-对 - 你写了本书 - Right. - ...that you wrote a book
讲述你和凯特迪比亚斯基的旧情 about your past relationship with Kate Dibiasky.
你的说法很有意思 我还在写呢 Funny you should say that, I'm working on that now.
书名叫《与魔鬼擦肩而过》 而且 It's gonna be called A Brush With The Devil, and it's, uh...
你是在用眼神呼叫保安吗 You calling security or something, with your eyes?
不是 你们可以走了 No. You're free to go.
-听起来很不妙啊 -就这样 - That sounds terrible. - Just like that?
你不在乎吧 You don't give a shit, do you?
我当然在乎 Sure, I do.
我在乎保障超市的品质服务 I care about DrinkMo's guarantee of quality service.
我们也不在乎 Well, we don't give a shit either.
一点也不在乎 Not one single shit.
我们七点后在废弃的汉堡皇背面玩 We hang and board behind the abandoned Burger Crown
滑滑板什么的 from 7:00 to whenever.
是的 Yeah, we do.
想来的话你也可以来 只要你敢 You should come hang. If you're not a fucking pussy.
那是我和 Oh, you know, it's me...
-妈的 好 谢谢 - 还有一瓶苏格兰威士忌 - Fuck. Okay. Thanks. - ...and a bottle of scotch.
开玩笑 但仍然 It's a joke. But also...
巴什
好 Okay,
请让我向你们介绍 let me introduce you
人类的救星 巴什探索开采无人机 uh, to mankind's savior, BASH Explore and Acquire Drone.
难以置信 It's incredible.
很难以置信吧 It's incredible, isn't it?
我管它叫一声部 第一台 I call this one Primo, the first.
就像我的第一个孩子一样 It's like my first child.
一声部 好孩子 爸爸来了 我是克罗诺斯 Primo, my boy. It's your father, Cronos.
别害羞 过来 你将成为天上的神明 我会照顾你的 Don't be shy. Come on. You're gonna be a god in the sky.
你考虑过必得机爆破的同步问题吗 Are you at all concerned about the sync on the BEAD explosions?
哦 博士 人总会有疑问和恐惧 Oh, Doctor. There are always questions and fears, and...
我有一份来自伊内兹博士的报告 I have a report here from a Dr. Inez.
-你可以看一下这份研究 -谢谢 - If you'd just take a look at this study. - Oh, thanks.
听着 我的很多同事 Listen, a lot of my colleagues,
要么是被调离 要么是辞职离开这个项目 they've either been removed or resigned from this project,
显然都是因为问了太多 和这个任务有关的问题 apparently for asking too many questions about this mission here.
我只想确认你 So I just wanna make sure that you're...
你愿意接受科学同行评审的流程 That you're open to the scientific peer-review process
而不是以生意人的方式处理整个任务 and you're not approaching this mission like a businessman.
-就是 -你说什么 - You know? That... - What did you say?
-我想知道你是否 -你说我是生意人 - I wanna know if you're... - Did you call me a businessman?
-你确实有家公司 -你觉得我只是个生意人 - You do own a corporate... - You think I'm just a businessman?
你觉得你了解我吗 博士 Do you think you know me, Doctor?
生意 Business?
这是进化 这是人类的进化 This is evolution. This is evolution of the human species.
-你找这种人来是要 -这个 - What are you doing bringing this... - Well...
你知不知道 巴什有超过四千万个关于你的数据点 You know that BASH has over 40 million data points on you,
记录你1994年以来每个决策 博士 on every decision you have made since 1994, Doctor?
我比你的医生早几个月 就知道你长了结肠息肉 I... I know when you have colon polyps months before your doctor does.
其实你现在就有四五个 You got four or five at the moment actually.
它们不是什么大问题 但如果我是你 我会尽快去做检查 You know, they're not of concern, but I'd have a checkup as soon as you can.
但更重要的是 我知道你是什么样的人 But much more importantly than that, I know what you are. I know who you are.
我的算法确定了 八种基础消费者资料类型 My algorithms have determined eight fundamental consumer profile types.
你是个生活方式理想主义者 You are a lifestyle idealist.
你觉得自己受信仰驱动 崇高的道德信仰 You think you're motivated by beliefs, high ethical beliefs.
但你只会逃避痛苦 贪图享乐 But you just run towards pleasure and away from pain.
和田鼠一样 Like a... Like a field mouse.
我只是想 I'm just trying to...
我只是想确保 这个项目的科学过程没有问题 I just wanna make sure that the science is sound on this project.
希望你明白 我是说 I hope you understand...
我们的算法甚至可以预测你的死法 Our algorithms can even predict how you'll die.
准确率高达96.5% To 96... 96.5% accuracy.
我们见面后我就去查了一下 I looked you up after we met.
你的死亡很平庸、很无聊 Your death was so unremarkable and boring.
我记不清细节了 但有一点 I can't remember the details, apart from one thing.
你会独自死去 You're gonna die alone.
独自一人 Alone.
失陪了 总统女士 我还有工作要做 我会跟他聊的 If you'll excuse me, Madam President. I've got some work to do.
你在干什么啊 哦 我的天 What the hell are you doing? - My God.
我在努力履行职责 - I was trying to do my job.
彼得喜欢你真是算你走运 You are just so lucky that Peter adores you.
易燃
你身边现在都是成年人了 兰德尔 You're with the grown-ups now, Randall.
我都不能继续关注这破事了 I can't even follow this shit anymore!
-死胖子 -死胖子
是 我两周前看到他了
如果我没搞错 巴什公司让奥尔林 BASH got Orlean to pay the Chilean government, if I'm correct,
给智利政府付了900亿美元 让海啸冲击他们国家的海岸 $90 billion to let the tsunami hit off the coast of the country.
你觉得这合理吗 That sound right to you?
我们都他妈要死了
伊舍威尔给他 和他的管理层造了地堡 Isherwell built an underground bunker for him and all his executives.
不 我听说他们造了逃生飞船 No, I heard that they built an escape ship.
各位 真相比这悲伤得多 You guys, the truth is way more depressing.
他们甚至没有聪明到 They're not even smart enough
可以像你们描述的那样邪恶 to be as evil as you're giving them credit for.
-怎么了 -不要 - What? - No.
妈的 你让我发疯 凯特 Fuck! You're driving me fucking crazy, Kate.
不管了 反正我们都要死了 Fuck it. We're all gonna die.
...sun, ice cream
You smooth like felt Soft to the touch
You wear repellent Smell your scent from up above
Angel getting carried out the club
For slapping Harry Harry's just a mug
减肥倒计时 25天
I'm stood outside waiting Where you gone?
Cubicle lines Catch a cold, Jack Frost
电影将在 ...movie will be released
部分人相信迪比亚斯基彗星 将要撞击地球的那天上映 the day that some believe Comet Dibiasky will impact the planet.
据透露 电影堪称经典 布里 And the early word is it's already a classic, Brie.
是的 而且阵容群星闪耀 Oh, yes. Well, and what a stellar cast.
-德文 -我喜欢德文彼得斯 - Devin. Yeah. - I love Devin Peters.
-是的 -很棒 他做什么都很好 He's great. Everything he does.
-叫什么名字来着 -叫《全面毁灭》 - What's it called again? - It's called Total Devastation.
耗资三亿美元 - It cost $300 million to make. - Whoo!
-这些电影啊 -比你赚的还多 - I mean, these movies... - It's more than you earn.
可不是 我朋友法利看过了 Tell me about it. And my friend Farley, he saw it.
-他说特别有趣 是的 -法利喜欢 - He said it's a ton of fun. That's right. - Well, Farley likes it.
好吧 法利说的都对 All right, well, what Farley says goes.
不过首先 But, uh, first,
是的 从我的笑容可以猜到 and yes, you can tell from my smile...
别闹了 Stop it.
美国最性感的科学家来了 兰德尔博士 欢迎 That America's sexiest scientist is here. Dr. Randall. Welcome.
兰德尔博士 你好吗 Dr. Randall, how are you, sir?
我很好 好得不能再好了 I'm... I'm good. I'm gooder than good.
好了 兰德尔 我们听说彗星并不存在 All right. So, Randall, we're hearing that there is no comet,
或者彗星存在 但这是好事 又或者是坏事 or that there is a comet but it's a good thing or maybe it's a bad thing.
我们很困惑 We are so confused.
能帮帮我们吗 睿智的科学家 So, could you please help us out here, you know, oh, wise scientist?
首先 布里 彗星当然存在 Well, first and foremost, Brie, um... ...there most certainly is a comet.
好的 All right.
我们知道有这么一颗彗星 因为我们有数据 And we know that there is a comet because we have the data.
最近 科学界越来越忧心忡忡 There has been growing concern within the scientific community as of late.
同行评审流程是非常有必要的 You see, the peer-review process is absolutely essential...
-如果巴什的股票 - 这样我们才能获取事实 什么 - If BASH's stock... - ...for us to get to the facts of... Yes?
如果巴什的股票算一个指标的话 If BASH's stock is any indicator,
那我们就不用操心同行评审了 we don't have to worry about the peer review.
股票涨势爆棚 It is going gangbusters.
听我说 我全盘托出 我尽可能买了很多股份 And full disclosure. I bought as many shares as I could.
我建议你们都这么做 I advise you to do the same.
你真是个无耻的资本家 You are such a shameless capitalist.
这个会躺在我家后露台的全新浴缸里 泡在我从股市 Said the woman who will be in the brand-new hot tub on my back deck
-取出的钞票里的女人如是说 -你太了解我了 - when I put it in from the stock. - You know me too well.
没错 That's right.
兰德尔博士 你还好吗 要不要喝口水 Dr. Randall, you sure you're okay? You want a glass of water...
我不太舒服 I don't feel so good.
好吧 我想我们先进一段广告 So I think we'll go to commercial break...
不 拜托 布里 别断开直播 让我说几句话 No, Please, Brie. Don't cut away. Let me say something.
-好的 -那你来对地方了 - Okay. - You came to the right place.
因为这节目里 我们就喜欢说话 We like to say things.
你能不能别一直这么 愉快 Would you please just stop being so pleasant?
不好意思 但不是所有事情都需要抖机灵 I'm sorry, but not everything needs to sound so goddamn clever
变幻出迷人讨喜的感觉 or charming or likeable all the time.
有时候我们需要能和彼此讲道理 Sometimes we need to just be able to say things to one another.
要把别人的话听进去 We need to hear things.
我们再重申一次 Look, let's establish, once again,
确实有一颗巨型彗星正朝地球飞来 that there is a huge comet headed towards Earth.
我们之所以知道有这样一颗彗星 And the reason we know that there is a comet
是因为我们看到了 is because we saw it.
我们用望远镜亲眼看到了 We saw it with our own eyes using a telescope.
老天啊 我们他妈的还拍了照 I mean, for God's sake, we took a fucking picture of it!
我们还需要什么证据 What other proof do we need?
如果我们连这都不能达成一致 And if we can't all agree at the bare minimum
同意一颗和珠穆朗玛峰一样大的彗星 that a giant comet the size of Mount Everest
朝地球呼啸而来他妈的不是件好事 hurtling its way towards planet Earth is not a fucking good thing,
那我们会有什么下场 then what the hell happened to us?
我的天呐 我们要如何和彼此对话 I mean, my God, how do... How do we even talk to each other?
我们对自己做了什么 我们要如何弥补 What've we... What've we done to ourselves? How do we fix it?
我们应该在 还有机会的时候撞偏这颗彗星 We should have deflected this comet when we had the fucking chance,
但我们没有实施 我不知道为什么 but we didn't do it. I don't know why we didn't do it.
现在他们竟然还开除 像我一样的科学家 And now they're actually firing scientists like me
就因为我们发声反对他们 for speaking out, for opposing them.
我知道很多人 And I'm sure many of the people out there
根本不会听我说的 aren't even gonna listen to what I just said
因为他们有自己的政治意识形态 'cause they have their own political ideology,
但我 我向你们保证 but I... assure you,
我不站在任何人的一边 I am not on one side or the other.
我只是他妈的把事实告诉你们 I'm just telling you the fucking truth.
我觉得这时候最好说明一下 This would be a good time to establish
伊舍威尔和总统都说过 that Isherwell and the president have both said
会有好处 that there's benefits to be...
对 美国总统他妈的在说谎 Right, well, the president of the United States is fucking lying!
我和你们一样 Look, I'm just like all of you.
天地良心 我希望 这位总统知道自己在做什么 I hope to God, I hope to God that this president knows what she's doing.
我希望她能为我们考虑 但事实是 I hope she's got us all taken care of, but the truth is,
我觉得整届政府 I think this whole administration
都他妈完全疯了 has completely lost their fucking mind!
我觉得我们都会死 And I think we're all gonna die!
我只想回家 Look, I just wanna go home.
我现在除了回家什么都不想做 I just wanna go home.I just wanna go home more than anything.
但只有一件事 But if there is one thing,
有一件事我希望你们能听进去 one thing that I pray... that I pray that all of you hear from what I have just said,
那就是我们所有人 我们都 is that all of us, all of us...
你为什么要这么做 Why'd you do that?
我本来真的挺喜欢你的 大部分人都让我厌恶 I really liked you and I despise most people.
我真的以为我爱你 You know, I... I really thought I loved you.
真的吗 Really?
哇 Wow.
太疯狂了 That's wild.
是啊 Yeah.
女士 你得离开了 我们要让这个人与外界隔离 Ma'am, you need to go. We gotta get this man off the grid.
你还在吗 You still there?
不在 No.
也许他就是在玩弄权力 Well, maybe he just gets off on the power, you know,
跟任何一种权力一样 like any kind of power.
他知道我最终会发现零食是免费的 It's like he knew eventually that I was gonna find out that the snacks were free.
对 - Right.
-你明白吗 -嗯 - You know what I mean? - Yeah.
这就是玩弄权力 - So it was just like a power play.
男人都很奇怪 Yeah, guys are weird.
我开始觉得 这些“世界末日”的言论都是胡扯 I'm starting to think that all this "end of the world" stuff is bullshit.
不是的 It's not.
真的会发生 我看到了 It's definitely happening. I've seen it.
我不知道 我觉得如果上帝想摧毁地球 I feel like if God wanted to destroy the Earth,
他就会摧毁地球 He would destroy the Earth.
你相信上帝 You believe in God?
是的 我父母按福音派教义把我养大 Yeah, I mean, my parents raised me Evangelical,
我恨他们 但我以自己的方式接受了它 and I hate them, but I found my own way to it.
我自己的连接 My own relationship.
希望你不会说出去 我会感激你的 I'd appreciate it if you didn't advertise it, though.
我不会跟别人说的 我觉得这样挺好 I won't tell anybody. I think it's kind of sweet.
-要做爱吗 -好 干吗不做呢 - Wanna make out? - Yeah, why not?
能不能别说“干吗不做呢” 让我感觉你并不想做 Can you not say "why not"? It makes me feel like you don't want it.
很不舒服 It's shitty.
-好 随便吧 -好多了 - Sure, whatever. - That's better.
I still feel 25 Most of the time
I still raise a little Cain With the boys
Honky tonks and pretty...
-哦 我的天 就是它 -什么 - Oh, my God, that's it. - What? What?
-那就是彗星 -什么 在哪儿 - That's the comet. - What? Where?
-哪儿 -那是北斗七星 - Where? Uh-huh. - Well, that's the Big Dipper.
那是金星 那是北极星 - That's Venus. That's the North Star. - Uh-huh.
-那是什么 -哦 该死 - Well, what is that? - Oh, shit.
Sometimes I feel like Jesse James Still trying to make a name
搞什么 What the hell?
Knowing nothing's gonna change What I am
什么 What?
它来了 There it is.
你来了 There you are.
有其他人看到吗 就是它 Is anyone else seeing this? That's it.
就是它 那就是彗星 看 就在那儿 That's it. That's the comet. Look! It's right there.
-我 我有点害怕 -没错 - That's, you know, kinda scary. - Oh! Exactly.
-明迪博士 -凯特 - Dr. Mindy. - Kate.
博士 可以看见它了 Doc, you can see it.
我现在也正看着它 难以置信 它 I... I'm looking at it right now too. It's unbelievable. It's...
很可怕 但也很美 It's horrific and it's... And it's beautiful at the same time.
哦 我的天 Oh, my God.
我们一直想告诉你们 We've been trying to tell you.
我们一直想告诉你们 它就在那儿 它 We tried to tell you this whole time. It's right there. It's...
就在那儿 凯特 It's right there, Kate.
你在哪儿 Where are you?
我在密歇根的兰辛 I'm in Lansing, Michigan
想要修复和琼的关系 但她不愿和我说话 trying to fix things with June, but she won't talk to me.
-你在哪儿 -什么东西 - Where are you? - What the fuck?
我 I...
我去找你 好吗 I'm gonna come find you, okay?
我在伊利诺伊 明天就能做好准备 Well, I'm in Illinois. I could be ready by tomorrow.
-挚爱的天父 -是的 我 - Dearest Father... - Yeah, I'm...
这个罪人 请求您的恩典和指引 ...as a sinner I come to You for Your grace and guidance...
他们终于看到了 They're finally seeing it.
就在那里 There it is!
到院子里去 上屋顶 去路边 Go outside into your yard, onto a roof, onto your sidewalk,
抬头看天空 and just look up into the sky.
这颗星看起来有点模糊 The star's gonna appear fuzzy.
但它后面有一条长尾巴 It's got a long streak coming off of it.
那是彗星尾 That's the comet's tail.
是真的 它来了 It's real and it's coming.
如果有人有不一样的说法 那就是在胡扯 If anyone tells you any different, they're full of shit.
抬头看天空 Just look up into the sky.
他妈的真相 It's a fucking fact.
-我们有证据 -快抬头 - We have proof. - Just look up.
各位 快抬头 好吗 别管海牛了 快抬头 Guys, please just look up, okay? Screw the manatees and just look up.
快抬头 Just look up.
-快抬头 -快抬头 - Just look up! - Just look up! Just look up!
快抬头 Just look up!
明迪博士 总统拯救地球的计划 Dr. Mindy, the president's plan to save Earth
保卫所有人的家园 这会奏效的吧 and make it so we can all have a home is going to work, right?
这个星球上 每个男人、女人和小孩都会死 Every single man, woman and child on this planet is going to die.
-我不喜欢他 他让我难过 -抱歉 - I don't like him. He makes me sad. - I'm sorry about that.
-彩排不是这样说的 -孩子们 听我说 - This is not what we rehearsed. - Kids, listen.
告诉你们的家长 奥尔林总统和伊舍威尔 You tell your parents that President Orlean and Isherwell
是反社会的法西斯主义者 are sociopaths and fascists!
知道为什么他们希望你们抬头看吗 And do you know why they want you to look up?
知道为什么吗 Do you know why?
因为他们希望你们恐惧 'Cause they want you to be afraid.
他们希望你们抬头看 They want you to look up
因为他们正俯视着你们 because they are looking down their noses at you.
他们觉得自己比你们更优越 They think they're better than you.
孩子们 千万别抬头 Don't look up!
他们想抢走你们的自由 这是事实 They wanna rob you of your freedom, and that's a fact!
千万别抬头 Don't look up!
美国总统奥尔林 The US president, Orlean...
快抬头 Just look up!
没有让印度或世界上任何其他国家 ...has not included India or any other nation in the world
参与这个任务 to be a part of this mission.
这家伙是个色情片发行人 叫基普施莱辛格 This dude is a known pornographer named Kip...
别听那个傻子的 Don't listen to that dumbfuck.
联合国在考虑自己的偏航任务 The United Nations have been considering its own deflective mission.
快抬头 老天爷 Just look up, for fuck's sake!
我知道好莱坞很多人支持快抬头运动 Now I know a lot of Hollywood is supporting the Just Look Up movement,
但我没看到那样的支持徽章 but I haven't seen a pin like that.
德文彼得斯 《全面毁灭》
是的 这个徽章 同时指了上下两个方向 Yeah, this pin points both up and down.
因为我觉得 同在一个国家 我们应该停止争吵 Because I think, as a country, we need to stop arguing
释放美德信号 好好相处 and virtue signaling. Just get along.
真是崭新的观点 - That is so refreshing. - Hmm.
我觉得我们都受够了政治 I think we're all tired of the politics.
是的 Yeah, yeah. Well...
所以我们才拍了《全面毁灭》 That's why we made Total Devastation.
适合所有人观看 爆米花电影 It's for everyone. You know? It's a popcorn movie.
专注看好脚下的路 低下头 You keep your eye on the road ahead, you put your head down.
一步一个脚印 And you put one foot in front of the other,
向前走 step by step.
一天一天往前走 Day by day.
-别抬头 -别抬头 - Don't look up! - Don't!
《上》-立刻购买
已购买
直播 直播有延迟
真的最后一场救世演唱会
我们想大声说清楚一些事情 So we wanna say something loud and clear.
没有安全的方法可以让彗星落入地球 There is no safe way to bring this comet back to Earth
并开发它来赚钱 这是不可能的 and exploit it for profit. It cannot be done!
全球各个国家 反抗奥尔林和巴什 Nations of the world, defy Orlean and BASH!
马上发起你们自己的核弹偏航任务 Launch your own nuclear deflection mission now
拯救地球 and save this planet!
现在要上场的是 莱丽比纳和她的特别嘉宾 And now, uh, there's Riley Bina with her special guest.
我忘了他叫什么 谢谢 I forgot the name. Thank you.
你真火辣 我们爱你 莱丽
出五千美元换一把铲子 彗星真会让我们都液化吗
千万别抬头 马克思贱人 莱丽是英雄
在彗星杀死我前看莱丽 我女朋友唱得比她好
我一个人在家 饥渴难耐 只要3块99
我们知道 没有界限可以和音速相比 We knew no bounds Fell at the speed of sound
突破万难而来 但界限很快让我们有了隔阂 Riding against all odds but soon Against ourselves
你存在于每段记忆 You haunted every memory
未曾与我道别 With no goodbyes out there for me
你的骄傲熄灭了我们的火焰 Your pride put out the fire In our flame
只需看一眼 Then just one look is all it takes
我能感受到你的目光 锁定在我全身每个地方 I feel your eyes They're locked on every part of me
然后我愚蠢的内心说 And then my dumb heart says
快抬头 Just look up
无处可藏 There is no place to hide
真爱不灭 True love doesn't die
抱紧你 绝不放开 It holds on tight And never lets you go...
总统刚上演了 一场满分十分的魅力秀吗 Is that a rock-solid tenÂ smokeshow of a president or what?
要不是她是我妈 If she wasn't my mother...
有三类美国人 There's three types of American people.
你们工薪阶层 There are you, the working class.
我们酷炫的富人 还有他们 Us, the cool rich, and then them.
抱歉 但我们需要他们 I'm sorry, but we need them.
我们需要他们 是因为你们 让我们变得强大 来对抗他们 We need them because you build us up to fight them.
工薪阶层 低等人 The working class, the lower.
-懂吗 -不 我不懂 - You understand? - No, I don't get it.
懂吗 我说的是营养学家 Do you understand? I'm talking about... I'm talking about nutritionists.
我说的是私人教练 I'm talking about personal trainers,
水疗馆的人 people at the spa,
但不是给你办理登记的人 她们不是女按摩师 but not the ones that check you in and they're not the masseuses,
但她们陪你走过走廊 but they walk you down the corridor.
她们在 They're there...
我知道让你失望了 我无法否认 Know I let you down A nigga can't deny it
我们失去了很多 对 我很在乎 And there's so much that we're losin' Yes, that matters
我在应付自己的疯狂 我不是你需要的人 I've been dealin' with madness Wasn't the man you needed
你在面对悲伤 真的 都怪我 You dealin' with sadness Truthfully, it's all on me...
-什么时候抛弃巴什 -马上抛弃 - Divest from BASH when? - Divest now!
什么时候抛弃巴什 Divest from BASH when?
时间如此宝贵 Time is oh so precious...
我们不会沉默 We will not be quiet!
牵我的手 宝贝 我不会再离开你 莱丽 Take my hand, baby I'll never leave you, Riley
女孩 他真正想说的是 Though what he's really trying to say
别再埋住你的脑袋 Is get your head out of your ass
听听合格的科学家的话 Listen to the goddamn Qualified scientists
我这次真的搞砸了 真的搞砸了 We really fucked it up Fucked it up this time
彗星好近 我能感受到强烈的热量 It's so close I can feel the heat big-time
你可以装作一切如常 And you can act Like everything is all right
但可能这真的在发生 But this is probably Happening in real time
庆祝吧 哭泣吧 祈祷吧 Celebrate or cry or pray
随便你如何度过我们搞砸的世界 Whatever it takes To get you through the mess that we made
因为明天也许不会来临 'Cause tomorrow may never come
快抬头 Just look up
关掉垃圾新闻 Turn off the shitbox news
因为你就要死了 各位 'Cause you're about to die soon Everybody
抬头 Look up...
嘿 下午好 亚当 找我什么事 Hey, good afternoon, Adam. What do I owe the pleasure of this call?
什么时间 What time?
谢谢你打电话告诉我 Well, uh... Well, thank you for calling.
好 Yeah.
怎么了 What?
奥尔林和巴什 剥夺了俄罗斯、印度和中国 Orlean and BASH cut Russia, India, and China
对矿产的开采权 out of the rights for the minerals.
所以他们自行联合开展了偏航任务 So they tried their own joint deflection mission,
但是 大约40分钟前 but, uh... approximately 40 minutes ago,
俄罗斯拜科努尔发射中心 检测到大规模爆炸 there was a massive explosion detected at the Russian's Baikonur launch complex.
看来任务失败了 So it looks like the mission failed.
就这样 That's it?
“就这样”是什么意思 What do you mean, "that's it?"
泰迪 Teddy?
是吗 Right?
还有巴什的任务 我们只剩这个了 There is still the BASH mission. It's all we have now.
妈的 Fuck!
这些快抬头运动狂热者 These Just Look Uppers
想让上百万非法智利移民越过边境 want millions of illegal Chileans to come across the border.
千万别抬头 Don't look up.
奥尔林
开采彗星
那是什么玩意 What The hell is that?
你他妈骗我们 Fucking lied to us.
总统刚给我发了短信 “别嗑药 没问题” The president just texted me. "Don't trip. It's all good. Don't trip."
千万别抬头
嘿 Hey, now.
你们割伤我的脸了 乡下人 You cut my face, you fucking rednecks!
天啊 开了一个小时都没看到车 Man, there hasn't been a car in, like, an hour.
是啊 大家都去看巴什发射了 Yep. Everyone's watching the BASH launch.
我们要干什么来着 What are we doing again?
我说了 我们去采购些食品 I told you. We're, uh... We're gonna go buy some groceries.
米尔斯兄弟 很棒的乐队 艾灵顿公爵创立的 The Mills Brothers. Great band. You know, Duke Ellington found this band.
我记得他们本来叫和谐四王 I think they were originally called the Four Kings of Harmony.
We'll call on each memory Till then...
这首歌是《到那时》 "Till Then," this is the song. It's about, uh...
讲的是即将出征二战的士兵们 soldiers going off to World War II
思念家乡 and thinking about home.
听这部分 Listen to this part.
Although there are oceans...
“尽管有必须跨越的海洋 和必须翻越的山 "Although there are oceans we must cross and mountains that we must climb..."
I know every gain...
我知道有得必有失” "I know that every gain must have a loss."
So pray that our loss...
“那就祈祷我们失去的只是时间” "So pray that our loss is nothing but time."
Till then, let's dream Of what there will be
-我要问你一件事 -怎么了 - Okay, I gotta ask you something. - What?
明迪博士 我可以在你的车里 表现得脆弱吗 Dr. Mindy, can I be vulnerable in your car?
可以 Yeah, go ahead.
我见过很多人 但没见过你这样的 I've never met anyone like you
我觉得和你有共鸣 and I feel a connection to you on a level that...
我不知道 没有别人让我有过这种感觉 I don't know, I haven't felt with anyone else,
我要冒险问一句 and going out on a limb,
你希望多共处一些时间吗 but would you want to spend more time together?
也许甚至订婚什么的 Maybe even get engaged or something?
-哇 -你在笑吗 - Wow. - Are you laughing?
-没有 -我在微笑 - No? - I'm smiling.
-当然可以 -真好 - Well, sure. - This is sweet.
-有何不可呢 -太美好了 - Why not? - This is pretty sweet.
而你 你帮明迪博士解读了未来 And you read the tea leaves for Dr. Mindy.
-让他见识了算法 -是的 - You showed him the algorithm. - Oh, yeah.
你的信息真的吓到他了 You really shook him with that information.
-关于他的死法 -是啊 让人震惊 - How he was gonna die. - Yeah, it is shaking.
我好希望知道自己的死法 It got me so excited to know about my own death.
我还是不要知道了 不 我想知道 I don't think I wanna know. Yes, I do. I wanna to know.
你会被一头布朗特洛吃掉 我们不知道这是什么意思 You're gonna be eaten by a Bronteroc. We don't know what it means.
一头什么 -布朗特洛 - A what? - A Bronteroc.
好了 各位 天气晴朗 - Oh. - Okay, people, we have clear skies.
可以发射必得机了 And we are a go for the BEAD launch.
总统女士 Madam President?
地球公民们 现在 Citizens of planet Earth. Now...
看啊 凯特 他们有野生三文鱼 Look at this, Kate. They have wild salmon.
看看野生和养殖的区别 Look at the difference between that and the farm-raised stuff.
看起来 挺假的 是不是 You see how that looks just... I don't know. Looks fake, right?
嘿 不如你去找点 Hey, why don't you go find some, uh...
那种小土豆叫什么来着 What are the little potatoes called, the tiny ones?
-吮指土豆 -对 - Fingerling potatoes? - Yeah.
-我好爱吮指土豆 -我们去找吮指 - I fucking love fingerling potatoes. - Let's get finger...
你想说点什么吗 Do you wanna say something too?
说得太好了 好 That was beautiful. Yeah.
你们好吗 全世界的人们 我是美国白宫幕僚长 杰森奥尔林 What up, world? Jason Orlean, uh, Chief of Staff, United States.
我注意到近期很多人为人类祈祷 I've been noticing a lot of prayers recently for people during this time
我表示赞许 and I commend that, um,
但我也想为物品祈祷 but I also wanna give a prayer for stuff.
有很好的物品 物质类的东西 比如豪华公寓和手表 There's dope stuff, like material stuff, like sick apartments and watches,
必得机已准备好发射
还有汽车和衣服之类的 都有可能消失 and cars, um,and clothes and shit that could all go away
我不想看到这些东西消失 and I don't wanna see that stuff go away.
所以我要为这些物品祈祷 阿门 So I'm gonna say a prayer for that stuff. Amen.
在这个小了很多的人群中 人们在恐惧中表现得很安静 Just a quiet trepidation among this much smaller crowd.
我能听到一些人的祈祷声 I can hear the sounds of some people praying.
好了 安德森 我们开始吧 Okay, Anderson, let's go get it.
好的 长官 来吧 各位 十 Yes, sir. Here we go, people. Ten.
十、九、八、七、六 Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
五、四 five, four...
嘿 Hey.
嗨 Hi.
我们买了点东西 We, uh, got some groceries.
那是怎么回事 Yo, what was that?
必得机12号坠毁了 We lost BEAD number 12.
警告
必得机22号发射失败 BEAD number 22 failed to launch.
没事 It's fine. It's fine.
必得机 无人机遥感勘测
我们预估了容错误差 没事的 We had anticipated a margin for error. Everything is fine.
我希望能有一次家庭晚餐 I was hoping we could, um, have a family dinner.
-嘿 爸爸 -嘿 爸爸 Hey, Dad.
-嘿 孩子们 -嘿 - Hey, guys. Hey. - Hey.
你觉得呢 What do you say?
好吧 Yeah.
-谢谢 -没事 - Thank you. - Yeah.
-这位是凯特 -你好 - This is, uh... This is Kate. - Oh, hi.
-你好 凯特 -袋子给我 - Hello. Hi, Kate. - Let me grab those bags.
-很高兴认识你 我叫尤尔 -尤尔 - Nice to meet you. I'm Yule. - Yule.
我的推趣账号是火豹142 你打游戏吗 I'm FirePuma142 on Twitch. You game?
她真的不太可能知道 It's really doubtful she knows.
谁说我打游戏的 - You're right. - Who said I game?
这是送给你的 I... I got these for you.
谢谢 真贴心 亲爱的 Thank you. That's really sweet, honey.
你不知道我有多歉疚 I'm so sorry. You have no idea.
-真的 -我知道 - I really am. - I know. I know.
-我想你 -我非常想你 - I've missed you. - I missed you so much.
我们在大学恋爱的时候 我和阿伦特兰上过床 When we dated in college, I fucked Aaron Tran.
所以 Yeah, so, uh...
尝尝
尝一个试试
很好吃 - That is really good.
好吃吧 - Really good, right?
-嘿 各位 -嘿 - Hey, everybody. - Hey!
抱歉迟到了 但我没空手来 - Sorry I'm late, but not empty-handed. - Hey, my friend.
埃文 马歇尔 琼 这是奥格尔索普博士 Evan, Marshall, June, this is Dr. Oglethorpe.
必得机已达到最佳逃逸速度 BEADs have approached optimal escape velocity
现正靠近迪比亚斯基彗星 准备进入接触模式 and now approaching Comet Dibiasky and are ready for attachment mode.
好吧 Uh... Okay. All right.
8号和27号因后控失灵坠毁 Eight and 27 are lost due to lateral control malfunction.
好 现在 彼得 Okay, so, now... Now, Peter...
彼得 我们失去了 六架无人机 还能成功吗 Peter, we're six drones down. Is this thing still gonna work?
工程师向我保证可以 24架就够了 Well, the engineer's assured me that yes, 24 drones is enough.
我们还能失去几架 Well, how many can we lose?
还有几架 How many more?
我们得知 数架必得机在发射中爆炸 We're being told that several of the BEADS have exploded on launch.
你去坐主位吧 好吗 Got the head seat right there.
你太客气了 兰德尔 谢谢 You're way too kind, Randall. Thank you.
大博士 Big Doctor.
再来点酒吗 我给你倒 Do you want more wine?
-嘿 大家干杯 -干杯 - Hey, cheers, everyone. Huh? - Cheers.
-干杯 -爱你 宝贝 - Cheers. - Love you.
-爱你 -非常感谢邀请我们 - Love you. - Thank you so much for having us.
谢谢你们来 这是一次很特别的聚餐 Thank you for being here. - It's so special.
谢谢 - Thank you.
马上开始同步爆破分离第九阶段 Commence simultaneous explosive separation stage now.
妈妈 Yo. Yo. Mom.
真好 Beautiful.
-谢谢你 伙计 -是的 - Thank you, pal. - Yeah.
真的 你能回家真是太好了 Yeah, it really is. And it's really good to have you home.
明迪博士真的出名了 Dr. Mindy got really famous.
是啊 我都忘了 没错 好吧 Oh. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. That's right. Okay.
是 我上过杂志封面什么的 我知道 Yep, I was on, uh, magazine covers and everything. I know.
-你看起来很棒 -尽管嘲讽我吧 - You looked great. - I'll take your shots.
-我爱你 -我也爱你 - I love you. - Love you too.
系统故障
好了 我们需要报告 All right. We need a report.
我需要爆炸设备的完整状态报告 Need a full status report on the explosive devices.
开始吧 还在等待完整状态报告 Get on it. Still waiting for a full status report.
好 All right.
中国的齐主席说彗星仍然是完整的 President Qi of China says that the comet is still whole.
我们有四架点火失败 同步已失灵 We got four misfires and sync was off.
彗星还是完好无损 It's still intact.
你说什么 What was that?
我们有四架点火失败 同步已失灵 We've got four misfires and the sync was off.
好吧 没关系 大家都会没事的 Okay. We're all fine. Everyone's fine.
会没事的 失陪一下 It's gonna be all right. If you'll excuse me.
人有三急 Nature calls.
我去一下洗手间 I'm just gonna go to the restroom for a moment.
对 我想我也要去一下洗手间 Yes, uh, I think that I should also step out to the restroom for a moment.
-我是不是 -不 我没事的 - Should I... - No, I'll be fine.
先生 总统 Sir, the president.
我们需要知道任务的状态 We need to know what the mission status is.
她马上会回来的 She's coming right back.
管他呢 我要去见我丈夫 Screw this. I'm going to see my husband.
抱歉 我有个20岁的女儿 I'm sorry. I've got a 20-year-old daughter.
我要去见她 I've got to go see her.
我要嗑药 I'm doin' an 8-ball.
哦 该死 Oh, shit!
她马上就来 She's coming. She's coming back.
喂 有一艘飞船 Hello, there's a ship.
以防我们搞砸了 显然我们搞砸了 In case we were wrong, and clearly, we were wrong.
你们当然会有飞船 Of course you've got a ship.
可以装2000人 It holds 2,000.
有最先进的冷冻仓 准备出发寻找 It's state-of-the-art cryo-chambers, and it's set to find
宜居地带最近的类地行星 the nearest Earth-like planet in a Goldilocks Zone so...
你可以带一个人上来 布里 你妻子 你自己选 There's room for you and one other. Brie, your wife, your call.
我不用了 但谢谢你的邀请 和杰森玩得开心 I'm good, but thank you for the offer. You, uh... You have fun with Jason.
杰森 Jason?
哦 该死 Oh, shit.
她会回来的 She's coming back.
我感激的是在后院睡着的那个夜晚 I'm thankful for that night I fell asleep out in the backyard.
-我醒来时和一只小鹿面面相觑 -我记得 - Woke up face-to-face with a baby deer. - I remember that.
-是啊 -对 那是我人生中最棒的一天 - Yeah. - Yep. It was the best day of my life.
我感激的是 I'm grateful...
我感激的是我们努力过了 I'm grateful we tried.
天啊 我们真的努力了 Man, oh, man, did we try.
我们明迪家不算最有宗教氛围的 Well, we're not the most religious here in the Mindy household,
但也许我们应该说“阿门” 是应该这么说吗 but, um, maybe we should say "amen"? Should we do that?
别看我 Don't look at me.
我不知道怎么 你刚说“阿门” 我不 I don't know how to... What, you just say, "Amen"? I don't...
-交给我吧 -收尾 - I got this. - Wrap it up?
我来 I got it.
挚爱的天父 全能的造物主 Dearest Father and Almighty Creator...
我们请求您的恩典 褪去我们的骄傲 ...we ask for Your grace tonight, despite our pride.
您的谅解 消除我们的疑虑 Your forgiveness, despite our doubt.
最重要的是 主啊 Most of all, Lord...
我们请求您的爱 抚慰我们度过至暗时刻 we ask for Your love to soothe us through these dark times.
愿我们无论面对什么 May we face whatever is to come...
在您的神圣中 我们将拥有勇气和接受的开阔胸襟 ...in Your divine will with courage and open hearts of acceptance.
-阿门 -阿门 - Amen. - Amen.
哇 尤尔的教堂游戏玩得很溜啊 Wow. Youse got some church game.
真美好 That was beautiful.
彗星依然完整 The comet remains intact.
突发新闻 彗星完整：巴什任务失败
我们从未 We just never...
今晚所有人当然都只讨论一件事情 Of course, there's only one story everyone's talking about tonight.
脱衣紧急关怀中心 Topless urgent care centers.
坐吧 Sit.
或者 我们可以做爱 Or... we can fuck...
或者祈祷 或者 ...or pray, or...
说实话 我宁愿喝酒 Honestly, I think I'd just rather drink and...
说说别人的坏话 talk shit about people.
你别想活捉我 You'll never take me alive!
小心 Look out!
我肯定要再吃一块苹果派 太香了 I'm definitely gonna have some more of this apple pie. It's so good.
其实是超市买的 但根本吃不出来 It's actually store-bought, but you really can't tell.
我得说句实话 这种时候有何不可呢 If I'm to be completely honest, which at this moment, why not?
比起家里做的 我更喜欢超市买来的廉价口感 I actually like the junky taste of store-bought better than homemade.
你开玩笑的吧 You gotta be kidding me.
不 我没开玩笑 No, I'm not kidding.
我懂他的意思 算是一种童年记忆 You know what? I know what he means. It's like a childhood memory thing.
没有什么比得上家里做的吧 Nothing is better than homemade, right?
这咖啡的味道不像超市买的吧 This coffee doesn't taste store-bought. Is it?
我自己磨豆子 是的 I grind my own beans. Yeah.
是 爸爸是个咖啡爱好者 Yeah, Dad's kind of a coffee nut.
每次喝咖啡都要自己磨豆子 Every time you have coffee, you have to grind your beans?
兰德尔对咖啡要求很高 Randall is very particular about his coffee.
我喝茶也是这样 I can get that way about tea.
事实是 我们真的 Thing of it is, we really...
我们真的该有的都有了 是不是 We really did have everything, didn't we?
仔细想想 I mean, when you think about it.
Is this our first?
Or second nature?
恭喜 减肥结束
When's that Rapture?
Will there be merch?
Where is Mother? She was a stunner
Can we page her?
What mine eyes have seen Could really take the purse
Are we chumps now?
Or are we fakers?
Parade around or get in work?
Or just deserve?
We will see you next time
There'll be water in the rain
Territories pay fines
All long day
All may not be just fine
There is another fate, a way
To not be too late
All obfuscate
22740年后
国际银行-吉尔阿诺德
德仕康石油-泰德拜尔斯
文德尔游说-路易斯格兰迪
嘿 含氧量实际要高于地球 Hey, oxygen is actually higher than on Earth
高9% by nine percent,
所以可能会觉得有点头晕 so you might feel a bit light-headed.
冷冻仓的成功率是58% And cryo-chambers were 58% successful,
比预期好多了 which is much better than anticipated.
我们这个区只死了47个人 所以 Yeah, we only had 47 dead in our section, so...
我觉得应该会挺顺利的 真的 I think this is gonna work out quite well. Quite well, indeed.
天啊 Goodness.
看看这只美丽的动物 Look at that beautiful animal.
这是羽毛还是鳞片 I wonder, are those feathers or are they scale...
-好恶心 -那是什么东西 - That's disgusting. - What is that thing?
我相信它是叫布朗特洛 I believe that's called a Bronteroc.
随便怎样都好 但别摸它们 Uh... Whatever you do, don't pet them.
We will see you next time
There'll be water in the rain
Territories pay fines
All long day
All may not be just fine
There is another fate, a way
To not be too late
We will see you next time
There'll be water in the rain
Territories pay fines
All long day
- Say it with me - All may not be just fine
All long day
There is another fate, a way
To not be too late
All obfuscate
纪念哈尔维尔纳 1956-2020
该死 Fuck.
妈 Mom?
妈 Mom!
你们好吗 What's up, y'all?
我是地球上最后一个人类 I'm the last man on Earth.
全完蛋了 Shit's all fucked up.
别忘了点赞加关注 Don't forget to like and subscribe.
走了 We out here.
妈 Mom!